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Another Desert Island Game: Popcorn Fiction
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Apr 15th 2007

(Talking Head of Toby)

TOBY: Dwight and I together went over the employee manual and the property management handbook several times, but he keeps insisting that the rules only apply to human targets. I donated his weapons to the YMCA. They teach self-defense classes.

Apr 15th 2007 edited

(dwight and jim at their desks)

"...but no one here looks like a cyclon," jim says.

dwight says, "you’re not supposed to listen in while i’m... in there. and, of course they don’t look like cylons. if they were identifiable they would be eradicated. self preservation."

jim says, "you dont look like a cyclon, dwight, arent you afraid you might arouse suspicion?"

dwight starts to respond, then decides against his first thought.

(suddenly through the door comes....

(edit: sorry karenm i realize i treated this more like a show cut than a continuation of your turn in the story)

Apr 15th 2007 edited

at the reception desk

Pam: I don't think that would go over real well.

Jim: Well alright then. Bottled water?

Pam: Thanks. I'm good.

Jim heads off for the breakroom, looking slightly dejected. Pam watches him walk away then glances at the camera before looking down quickly at her computer screen.

Talking Head w/ Pam:

Jim asked me to help him convince Dwight that Michael is a Cylon. But Karen has finally stopped giving me dirty looks every time Jim walks past. I was ready to request a cubicle partition for the reception desk. I told him I'd rather pass on the prank. I think he was disappointed. Too bad because I'm not sure Michael isn't a Cylon.

in the breakroom:

Jim: He never even had a girlfriend until last year, and you never hear him mention any family besides his mother, who we've never seen. And he has this absurd preoccupation with the warehouse machines like the baler...

Dwight: ...as though it were a potential ally. I reject your theory. Continue.

Jim: I think Todd Packer is also a Cylon.

Apr 16th 2007 edited

Stanley talking head:

No. I do not know what a Cylon is and I do not care.

Creed talking head:

A Cylon? Of course. One of those big hairy guys with one eye. I've seen one. 1968.

As Jim continues his conversation with Dwight, Jan walks briskly into the office with a purposeful, flushed look on her face.

Jan: Hi Pam I'm fine. I need to see Michael. Now.

Apr 16th 2007

Jan enters Michael's office and draws the blinds. The camera remains outside, focussed on Jim & Dwight. Dwight's eyes get wider and wider during this scene. Sounds of shouting:

JAN: This is ridiculous, Michael. I can't -- I can't -- it's like science fiction. It's like you're a robot and your programming has gone haywire.

MICHAEL (in robot voice): I am Voltron. Take me to your leader. Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto!

Apr 16th 2007 edited

Dwight grabs a pair of scissors off of Jim's desk, flips them in his hand so he is wielding them like a throwing knife and lunges for the door. Jim and Ryan leap from their desks after him, slightly entangled in the furniture and each other. Dwight kicks the door open.

DWIGHT: Oh, Michael. I'm so sorry, but this has to be done. Jan, get down!

Jim and Ryan reach Dwight and wrestle his arm down

Michael talking head

MICHAEL: Yes, I was scared, but also proud. That's my family out there and Dwight loves me so much he was willing to kill to protect my family. He's loyal. He belongs. He bugged the office so he could keep an eye out on everyone. For everyone. It's nothing more than a brother would do. That's Dwight... our loving big brother.

cut away to a shot of Toby carrying a box of electronics out to the trash bin

MICHAEL: Other people hate my family, and I hate those people. They don't belong in this office.

talking head of Jan in the break room

JAN: Michael and I went over the company handbook together several times until he understood that, as regional manager, he is responsible for the safety and well-being of every single person in this office, no matter who they report to.

Maybe Toby should get rid of the paper cutter.

May 21st 2007 edited

Redacted. That is all.

Nov 17th 2008

I really wonder what ST was talking about that she felt the need to redact.

Nov 18th 2008

Why does she keep doing that? I think she's actually really nervous about Mr. Tear going through her posts. haha.

Nov 18th 2008

I would LOVE to pretend that I posted something edgy and over the line but unfortunately it was just an attempt to get another story going that failed miserably. My post sat out there for days and I felt like an ass so I redacted it. I'm not a writer.

Nov 18th 2008

Writing something that gets totally ignored is so awesomely uncomfortable that it belongs on The Office.

Dec 8th 2008

i would love to point out jinx's last post here without posting but i can't.

Dec 8th 2008

You just made my last post less funny like 60%.

Dec 8th 2008

wait a minute, wouldn't that make it, like.... negative 20% funny?

Dec 8th 2008

So, 60% of the time it's funny every time?

Dec 8th 2008

It was my understanding that there would be no math.

Dec 8th 2008

Explain that to me like I'm five.

Dec 8th 2008

...amj said, flashing a boyish grin. bigtunafishing was just considering a snappy comeback when nathan held up his hand and turned his head slightly. he was obviously listening to something. then the others heard it. the faintest sound was coming... from somewhere... somewhere in the direction of jinx.

jinx had been sitting at the bar scribbling numbers and percentages on a napkin for nearly an hour, ever since the discussion of the actual quantity of funniness contained in one of jinx's jokes. everyone knew immediately that asking about theoretical percentages of funniness would set "the great balled one" to pondering. and it did. only once had he turned to utter a sound. he asked, "if two people split a can of half and half does each person have all their half and half or is half of either one person's half and half all gone?" shrugs all around sent jinx back to his calculations.

but this peculiar sound wasn't coming from jinx. "that would be the first time," his wife said. this was quite confusing to the narrator until he realized jinx's wife was sitting at the other end of the bar. but the noise was the thing, here. and our story shall not be diverted again.

the strange noise seemed to be coming from the door near the far corner of the room. "i'm going to check it out," bigtunafishing said. she was up and heading for the door before nathan who was quite a large fellow and amj who was even larger could make their respective cases for proceeding slowly, here.

btf, was swiftly across the room. she grabbed the knob...

"he said 'knob,' jinx's wife says knowing this will cut like a flaming hot knife through the swirl of numbers in jinx's head and goose the 8 year little bugger that controls his brain. and, sure enough, the word "knob" has the desired effect and jinx snorts latte through his nose.

at this the narrator gets the giggles for a good 20 seconds. when finally he composes himself...

...and she whips open the door to find...

Dec 8th 2008

If I'm the one opening the door then I get to finish this story.

...and she whips open the door to find...

None other than John Krasinski himself. He's stumbled through a hole in the Internets and landed at this virtual watering hole (TWIS) to fulfill his destiny as BTF's manmeat for life. Luckily, the Internets stumbling has rendered him an amnesiac who does not remember his life before this most curious incident. Kras and his crotch, along with the enchanted - and, ahem, enchanting BTF - depart the bar full of Jinxes, Alpha Male Jackhammers, and Nathans and live happily ever after.

FIN

Dec 8th 2008

...amj pumped btf's chest while nathan locked his mouth on those pouty lips.

neither man had ever seen anyone whip open a door and cold cock themselves like that. nathan pointed out with pride to amj the smile on btf's lips each time he would lift up off of her.

"so you think that's for you, dude? take a look at my special cpr technique, my friend. you'll notice i don't practice the common hands in the middle technique."

suddenly, btf spit up pool water and tried to roll over on her side. amj held on as long as possible then let her roll on over....

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