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More importantly, I know what she hates: Your worst possible date
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Dec 4th 2006

Just as Andy has combined all of Pam's least favorite things into one mind-blowing date, I'm wondering what date would combine all of your least favorites.

Who knows? It may have actually happened.

In my case, we would drive around in a giant pick-up listening to Hinder's "Lips Of An Angel", stop for onion rings, play ultimate frisbee (I, too, hate the frisbee-based competitions), then cap the night off with a marathon of My Super Sweet 16.

Dec 4th 2006

I hate going to any type of sporting events. When they start talking sports in the forum, I just skip it all. There's nothing more boring to me.

Dec 4th 2006

This is a combination of bad dates I've been on, but it would go something like this: The night would start off by him suggesting we have dinner at Jack in the Box or some such similar establishment, at which he would root around in his wallet for a coupon, while telling me that if I want anything, I'll have to pay for it myself. Then he'd suggest that we go hang out at his new place, except that we need to stop at his old place and pick up some more boxes full of his crap first. Topics of conversation would include his active involvement in the College Republicans, my religious beliefs (and why they're wrong), my willingness to get married and have children (preferably soon), politics, "my views on abortion", video games, and his dead hamster.

Dec 4th 2006 edited

Instead of making one up, I'll just tell you about my actual worst first date.

I was working at Circuit City over Xmas break from college and I liked the computer salesman (also a college student) a bit. He was cute and we smiled at each other...blah, blah. My manager tells me "Brian wants to ask you out but he is too shy. Would you go out with him?." I said yes of course. He said Brian would pick me up after work on Friday and we'd have our date. Great! I went out and bought a new outfit and got very prettied-up.
I get off of work and stand near the door waiting for Brian. A car pulls up and the door opens. It's crazy other Brian from the phone department! Crazy l"ooks-at-me-weird and blows every sale because he's creepy" Brian. This was not good. I obviously don't want to humiliate the guy so I try to act like I was expecting him and went on the date. Here's what it was.
McDonalds drive through and then drive up to Mt Adams (beautiful Cincinnati neighborhood with view of sowntown) where he parked at an overlook. At this point I think I am about to be groped and I have one hand on the door handle. He says "let's have fun" and inserts a CD. It was tv show theme songs. For the next 30 minutes I had to guess the shows. Then he drove me home. I exited that car very quickly and never looked back. He later found out that I was expecting the other Brian (who is now my husband by the way!!) and he quit. It was just a seasonal job for him, too.
Yes I swear.

Edited to add: My husband and I refer to him as "other Brian." I got asked out by my husband because I went up to him and told him this story. He laughed and then asked me out. And the rest is history...

Dec 4th 2006

That is horrific and cute, all at once.

I can't think of a way to top my worst first date.

It was the product of online dating but it was just meeting for a cup of coffee, so I wonder how bad it can be. I show up and watch this guy walk into the coffee shop and watch a guy walk inside, and I think "That guy walks like an asshat. Oh God, that's so going to be my date."

He went to Harvard (ever heard of it?) but spent the whole time high, because he's so smart he can get by like that. Oh, and the reason he wanted to meet at that Starbucks is because he can walk there, even though he drove, because he technically has a suspended license for driving drunk.

Which, apparently he did all the time on some friend's farm! They have a car especially designated to driving drunk through the fields.

Then we figure out he knew my best friend/roommate in high school. And he went on to tell me that HE HATED HER. Um, why??

So that took a half hour. The coffee shop was closing, so he asked if I wanted to go grocery shopping with him. While there he bought a huge onion, canned ravioli and frozen mini cheeseburgers -- "Drunk foods." And any guy who's buying foods that make your breath stink in front of you probably isn't interested in you, either.

So that prolonged the date another 20 minutes. He wanted to go to Rite Aid, but I pointed out it would be closed in 10 minutes, so when he opened his arms for the hug I just did a wide swing to shake his hand and declined the invitation to walk me to my car.

That was that. The only way it could have been longer is if we'd been trapped somewhere for a longer period of time like those dating shows where you are together for 12 hours or something.

Needless to say, it was not a love connection.

Dec 4th 2006

Speaking hypothetically (as my dating experiences have not been too terrible, if not long-lasting), my horrible date would consist of the following:

I go to pick up my date, who insists on putting in her special mix of Swedish death metal or Christian rock (take your pick as to which is more bearable, of the two), and cranks it up way past my alloted volume control. We go to Taco Bell because she "loves the seven-layer burrito" even though I tend to not be so well after a trip there. Then, because it's a marathon of Ashley Judd/Tom Cruise/Pauly Shore movies at the local cinema (one of the three, anyway), we head there and...it just gets worse from there.

Granted, I doubt any woman out there exists who likes death metal and Ashley Judd, but it could happen ;-p

Dec 4th 2006

let me tell you about worst dates. i remember one time i was working as a phone salesman at a circuit city in cincinnati and there was this cute chick flonny (not her real name) who was working there over christmas break. i would check her out across the store and she would get all nervous and knock stuff over. it was a little funny and a little flattering. anyway, one day my manager walks up and says this isnt really appropriate but he would pass along that flonny was into me and would love to go out but was too shy to say anything to me. so i said sure, why not.

this may sound cynical, but i usually like to do all the cheap date stuff on the first date just to see if she's just into the bling thing, nom'sayn? next date, its a five star night all the way just to let her know whats really up with ol’ ferd.

so i head to mcdonald's drive thru. i thought she was going to bolt when i got out the coupon. and then off we go to a local lookout point. ha. i still have the impressions of her fingers in my passenger door handle. seriously. anyway, then i pull out what i call the final straw.... oh, right very funny. no, its my cd of tv themes. and, well, i heard later the other brian in computers is still stuck with ol’ flonny.

by the way, flonk what part of cincinnati did you say you were from?

: )

Dec 4th 2006

This wasn't a first date, but it was an early one. I had been seeing this girl, Lucia, for like a couple of weeks when she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her the following Sunday. This was my senior year of college. I was trying to be open-minded. I said "yes". There was no discussion of what kind of church it was going to be -- I assumed Catholic, because she was Hispanic. I can roll with a Catholic service; I've been to hundreds of them, and I find them oddly reassuring, kind of like walking through the neighborhood where you grew up or something.

So we're driving along, and she's kind of probing my about my religious beliefs. At that point in life, my agnosticism had not yet calcified into hardline atheism, and I was trying to be nice, so I talked about my parish from childhood and how my mother took me to Temple sometimes but I never had a bar mitzvah, etc, etc. She told me about the church she went to in San Salvador when she visited her grandparents. I was beginning to feel pretty good about this going to church thing -- until we pulled into the parking lot of this massive white building that resembled a gymnasium more than a church, as far as I was concerned, except that it had gigantic white cross on its front. We weren't going to mass, we were going to McChurch that seated at least a thousand people.

Now, I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but I don't deal well with fundamentalist religion of any kind, and especially not evangelical Christianity. It offends my sensibilities on a lot of levels -- from the fact that it condemns me as a sinner for my sexual practices to the fact that people are so expressive during their services. I am, by nature, a reserved and thoughtful person. We walked into this church, and there were people waving their hands, and there were people shouting, and there were people getting baptized in what looked to be a hot tub on a stage at the front, and there were people testifying about how they'd been saved by Jesus X number of months ago and oh how beautiful life had been since then, and the pastor wore a track suit, and I'm sorry, but a TRACK SUIT? Where's the dignity of religious calling? It went on and on and on, with me getting more and more nervous with each passing second. The worst part was how excited Lucia was, not just about being in church, but about having me there. I'm sitting there, smiling thinly, thinking Oh God, this is such a debacle, how do explain to this girl that this will never work?, and I can just see on her face that she thinks this is a big hit.

And so, finally -- finally -- the service comes to an end, and I'm expecting, like, confetti to explode from above and a foam party to start, but what happens instead is that three or four very smiley people about my age descend on me to chat me up. They want to hang out with me, these people I've just met, and man, they are creeping me out so hard that I can hardly stand. So I say, "Look, guys, I'm Catholic," which is the wrong thing to say on so many levels I can't even begin to enumerate them. So they start swearing up and down that they're not trying to convert me, which is very clearly a lie, so hypocritical! and I'm just about to hyperventilate, and this is what finally pops out of my mouth:

"I'm queer!"

Silence. Mouths gaping. Cocked eyebrows. These are nice people. I don't think they were judging me, like I had always assumed they would. I think they were just so stunned that this was the thing I had chosen to say to them, the second piece of information they had ever received about me, the force field I had chosen to erect around myself to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

Lucia, mortified, rescued me and we went back to campus right quick. Needless to say, she didn't call me again.

That was a pretty bad one.

Dec 4th 2006

Oh good gravy...that's one of the best worst date stories I've ever heard.

Dec 4th 2006 edited

I love this thread!

OK, this is an actual "worst first date", not hypothetical:

When I first moved to Michigan, the guy who lived across the hall from me (who I affectionately call "Boring Bob"), asked me out. He was really cute, and completely non-offensive, so, I thought, "Why not?"

BB was an engineer...which on the surface seems cool. But...here's what he does: He works for the Kellogg company. Whenever something breaks on the giant cereal-making machines, he has to re-design the part that broke, because these parts are apparently one-of-a-kind.

He talked, in exhaustive detail, about said parts all night. The saddest thing was, he was a really nice guy. Just, so, so boring. And he wasn't very interested in my career, thoughts, etc. The only time he veered off the fascinating world of cereal-part-breakage was to inform me that he wasn't getting any younger, and he wanted to get married and have babies ASAP. Great subject matter for a first date, no? In retrospect, I felt like I was on a date with Kelly...

Dec 4th 2006

McChurch.

Awesome. Splendid description, DwightfromtheFuture. Great story, as always. Whenever I see you post, I get all giddy and think, "What is he going to say next?" You never disappoint, brother.

Dec 4th 2006

Granted, I doubt any woman out there exists who likes death metal and Ashley Judd, but it could happen ;-p

What about death metal by Ashley Judd? That would be something special.

Dec 4th 2006

whatevs, I'm blushing.

Dec 4th 2006

ferd farkel I haven't laughed that hard in as long as I can remember. I have to print this out and show my husband. I am giggling so hard right now I can barely type. I think I will have giggle flashback s about this for days....

Dec 4th 2006

Awesome. Splendid description, DwightfromtheFuture. Great story, as always. Whenever I see you post, I get all giddy and think, "What is he going to say next?" You never disappoint, brother.

I concur. Love you, man. Did I go too far?

Dec 4th 2006

McChurch.

Ah, yes, McChurch. They give me a stomachache too, for a similar-if-different reason.

Dec 4th 2006

My worst first-date has yet to happen, but I know it's coming someday. It would go something a little like this. We would go rollerblading in the cold (don't ask me where you go rollerblading in the cold, but I know it would happen). Then we wouldn't eat, because he would assume I had eaten already. We would listen to his homemade soundtrack of the Backstreet Boys, Fall Out Boy, and Garth Brooks. The last song would be The Reason, by Hoobastank, and he would tell me it's our song. The night would conclude with him doing something horrendously offensive, and I would slap him and run home.

PS: You all are really, really funny. Seriously.

Dec 4th 2006

I'll go ahead and elaborate on the worst date I had. For awhile I worked as a desk assistant in the resident hall to pick up extra cash. During a staff meeting we were all signing up for shifts when a few of us got to talking, and we met this kid Lee (his real name). He didn't really contribute to the conversation so I forgot about him immediately afterward. About a week later, I was taking the trash to the dumpster when I ran into him and he said hi. We made small talk and then he asked if I'd like to go to dinner. I couldn't think of a good excuse not to, and I figured that I don't really put myself out there much, so I said yes.

Big Mistake. We walked to the Pita Pit to get some food. He spent the whole time discussing how he had just joined the College Republicans and was really excited to start protesting...stuff. He then talked about his job as a pizza delivery guy and how much he liked it because he got to talk to people. And also, he made tons of money because he delivered pizza to rich people. So we get to the food joint, where he spends about 5 minutes digging for a coupon (he had a George Costanza wallet). I paid for myself. Which ok, fine, it was just a casual thing, no big deal. He proceeded to carry on the most boring conversation I've ever had in my life. Mainly about delivering pizza....and I can't remember what else, because it was so boring. When I had finished eating it seemed like he wanted to walk me back to my dorm. I had pretty much stopped contributing to the conversation, because I really had nothing to say. He eventually picked up on the fact that I just kind of nodded at what he said and mentioned that he had to get to his class. But it doesn't end there.

About a week later, I went to a local concert with a friend. During intermission I checked my phone, to find a new voice mail from Lee. How did he get my phone number? I don't know. I had no intention of calling him back because I thought it was pretty clear that we had nothing in common and no connection. When I got back to the dorms, he had left a written message on my message board, with his phone number. I erased the message, and then left to go out again. When I got home later that night, it had been rewritten on my door. He started showing up whenever I had desk shifts (about 5am on Saturdays) and he didn't even live on campus. He asked if I wanted to go out again and I told him no. He didn't seem to get it, so I told him I had a boyfriend. Which I think is a pretty clear indication that I wasn't interested. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by outright saying he was a creep. Some time later he showed up at my work again, and started asking all kinds of questions about my boyfriend. Then he tells me that he found out online (!) that I was single. I finally had to say that I thought he was completely creepy and should stay away from me.

I've met 3 or 4 girls since then who he has done the exact same thing to.

Dec 4th 2006

Ick. Ick ick ick ick. That date is bad enough, but it's all the stuff afterward that puts it over the top. What prompts people to behave in that manner?

Dec 4th 2006 edited

Ok, I'm terribly shy and haven't been on a date yet. But I have had a bad experience to share. I met this guy at a one day music festival when I was a senior in high school. He was a freshman from another high school, but I knew his dad and had friends in common with him, and I decided to be friendly and introduce myself to him. That summer we talked once in a while at music camp. He ate a couple meals at the same table as me, we hung out with mutual friends, etc. I kind of thought of him as a little brother, I guess.

I went of to college, but I talked to friends from high school and music camp on AIM. One day he asks me if I had a crush on him. Having no experiences to compare this to, I didn't realize this meant he had a crush on me, and I flat out said I did not, and asked why. Turns out one of our friends thought I liked the guy, and since I was basically everything he wanted in a girlfriend, he decided he liked me back. He had actually had a list of physical and social characteristics he was looking for, which I fit. (?!) Then I had to convince him not to get upset over it. Over AIM. I felt so mean, but I wasn't attracted to him or interested in someone 4 years younger and 4 hours away.

Then, I had to be his music camp counselor this summer. One of the most awkward experiences of my life.

Dec 4th 2006

Dwightfromthefuture, McChurch is right. They sell religion as a fast-food commodity, and make you think you're getting a healthy meal when the meat is rancid, the employees never, ever wash their hands, and the manager has a few thousand skeletons in his closet.

Dec 4th 2006

He had actually had a list of physical and social characteristics he was looking for, which I fit.

This guy's name doesn't happen to be Dwight, does it?

Dec 4th 2006 edited

Apart from the whole AIM episode he always seemed really nice and normal. I think the social suicide that goes hand in hand with being a music and drama nerd in high school just got to him. I totally knew where he was coming from, having sacrificed any possibility of being popular in high school by doing the exact same thing. I just accepted the fact that guys at my high school wouldn't be beating down my door asking for a date. So I felt really bad, because it was like I was crushing the dreams of someone a lot like myself.

But male. And with a much less romantic vision of how to tell someone you are attracted to them. I never expected that when i logged in :(

And it basically ruined AIM for me...

(And I just loved your story, DwightfromtheFuture! I have always wondered, would I have still fit everything on the list had he known I was an atheist? because there are many "angelas" where I come from, and so I don't usually bring up religion right away with people there :) )

Dec 4th 2006

I think I will have giggle flashback s about this for days....

: ) my work is done here.

Dec 4th 2006

A friend's girlfriend set me up with a friend of hers. I always liked my friend's girlfriends, so when she said she wanted to introduce me to her friend, who she explained was just like her, I decided to take her up on it We met with a group of friends and went bowling. She was adorable and I thought we hit it off pretty well. By the end of the night I asked her if she wanted to go on a date. We went out mid week. I drove 45 minutes and to another state to pick her up and we we went out to a restuarant near her. Unfortunatley, our dinner did not go as well as our first meeting. She didn't talk at all, and I talked too much. Mostly about recently ended 5 year relationship (which by the way, reminds me a lot of how Jim and Pam got along) Dinner couldn't end quick enough. I drove her home, no kiss expected or received I spent the 45 minute drive home kind of befuddled I went away the following weekend with a college friend (female, strictly platonic) to my uncle's place in Connecticut. I am an architect and I designed the addition on his house that we wanted to see it as well as a tour of Yale's Buildings I told my college friend on the drive up about my failed date, how I thought we really hit it off and how wrong I was. I think we made one of those deals, If were both not married by 35 we would marry eachother.. Anyway, so I got home from the weekend to find that my failed date called, twice She was apoligizing for being a lousy date. Turns out she just moved into her own apartment and started a second job the day we went out, she worked over 12 hours that day, and was so tired she couldn't care what I was talking about, she just wanted to get some sleep We agreed to meet again, (on Valentines Day none the less) What the heck do you get someone on Valentines Day following a bad date?? Well, everything went fine after that, we were engaged 8 months later, married a year after that, and have been very happily married 10 years last month with 3 great kids

Dec 4th 2006

Wow. I've spent a hugely entertaining 20 minutes here. Great, horrible, hilarious stuff. My mostly pleasant first dates have no place here, dammit.

Dec 5th 2006

I agree GB. Very entertaining thread.
CZJ I am sorry you had such a crappy time with stalker-boy, but I must admit that what I picked up most on in your story was that you worked 5 am desk shifts at college?! Uhhhhh....were you just still up from the night before, so you figured "what the hell?"

Dec 5th 2006 edited

.

Dec 5th 2006

Flonk, yeah I somehow missed out on all the good shifts. I ended up working 5-10am on Sundays(?) because I figured I could go back to bed later, and nobody would be up that early to need my services. It worked out most of the time because I got a lot of homework done, and yes, many a time I was there on 1 or 2 or no hours of sleep. Keep in mine I was very very broke. Oh yeah, did I mention it paid $5.15 an hour?

Dec 5th 2006

(By the way, this thread is making me feel a lot better about my own sordid dating past. Thanks guys.)

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