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I confided in the world's worst confidant: Advice
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Apr 19th 2007

Did you try poking her?

Snicker.

You know who said that? Yeah, I think you do.

Apr 19th 2007 edited

Did you try poking her? (on Facebook, that is)

Not recently. I did once before though, during a dead time, and got nothing back. And there had been an afternoon (during the good time in February) where "A" and I had a poke war.

And I have more of a CZJ interpretation of the poke. I have ongoing poke wars with girls I'm just friends with.

Apr 19th 2007

Oh. Cause I always took it as sexual and thought my mind was just in the gutter until I saw there was quite a large facebook group about it that took it the same way.

Apr 19th 2007

"A" and I had a poke war.

Oh my god, that is so what she said.

Yes!

Apr 20th 2007

Yeah, try going back and reading the last dozen posts as though you had no familiarity with Facebook, like me. It's much more entertaining.

Nathan, I suggest you be direct and don't wait too long, if only to avoid driving yourself crazy with wondering what she's thinking.

Apr 20th 2007 edited

Nathan, give her time to get back to you. No one likes to be rushed into things, even if it's just a casual dinner or event like that. I don't know if it's the case where you are, but here in C-Town we've got finals the week after next, and I know a lot of people are busy trying to get their shit together before it's too late class-wise. If she's going back home for summer and you are as well, and you're in totally different locations, try sending her something maybe a week before the term ends. But don't be pushy or desperate, just take it slow and easy. Good luck with it, and remember to just have fun.

Oh, and the whole "she's going to something, so I might go to it to" has never worked for me, ever. ;-)

Apr 20th 2007

Oh, and Facebook is the devil ;-p

It's addictive as hell, I have to say. More so than MySpace (which I don't visit quite as much, if only for the undercover cops posing as underage teen girls. I've been burned one too many times). There was a time when I was on there two, three hours at a time. But that was just yesterday afternoon, so I'm good now ;-)

Apr 20th 2007

I've been burned one too many times).

Gosh, I hope it wasn't with MY undercover teenage girl

Apr 20th 2007

Her name was "sexigoodtyme", but she turned out to be a 35-year-old veteran of the local police force who needed to fill his quota of sex perps for his boss ;-)

Apr 20th 2007

Oh, and the whole "she's going to something, so I might go to it to" has never worked for me, ever. ;-)

Well, it isn't quite like that. I've been to this particular type of thing before, and I could easily go or not go in my own right. Her presence is something to be aware of, that's all.

Apr 20th 2007

Oh, and seeing

Nathan, I suggest you be direct and don't wait too long, if only to avoid driving yourself crazy with wondering what she's thinking.

and

Nathan, give her time to get back to you. No one likes to be rushed into things, even if it's just a casual dinner or event like that.

was helpful. Thanks a lot. :)

No one likes to be rushed into things, even if it's just a casual dinner or event like that. I don't know if it's the case where you are, but here in C-Town we've got finals the week after next, and I know a lot of people are busy trying to get their shit together before it's too late class-wise.

Yeah, but it just seems like she'd have said "can't this week, I'll let you know" or something already instead of just not responding. I mean, it's not a big time committment we're talking about here, it's just a meal, which presumably would take place anyway with or without me.

Apr 20th 2007

Nathan, sounds like you're stressing out a little about it...take a deep breath, let it out, and calm down.

She could just be so busy that she hasn't had time to respond to what you're offering. You sound like you're making more out of her not responding than you need to. Trust me, I've been there. When you go a while without hearing back from someone on something like that, all kinds of ideas run through your head and you start stressing on something that quite possibly could boil down to just something as simple as "she hasn't had time to respond" or "she's thinking about it in context of what her schedule is, and trying to find time".

The more time you spend worrying about it (and it sounds like you are, just a tad), the less time you have just to enjoy the fact that she wanted to go out with you in the first place. Just take a breather from thinking about it so much and you should be fine, no matter how she responds

Apr 20th 2007

I think I broke the record for "multiple uses of the word 'something'" in my previous post ;-)

You'd think I could've thought of some...other word else ;-p

Apr 20th 2007

So the thing is about an hour and a half away...any last-minute bits of advice on how to play it?

Apr 20th 2007

Advice:

First, look gorgeous. Then, totally ignore her and suck up to famous people. Circulate, oozing intelligence. Introduce people with thoughtful details, and if by some chance you do end up in flagrante, I'd wear the scary-stomach holding in panties.

Just my thoughts.

(God, I hope you get that reference. ;) )

Apr 20th 2007

(God, I hope you get that reference. ;) )

Nope, but at least I recognized it as a reference.

Apr 20th 2007

Dang. Well go watch Bridget Jones sometimes. I know, I know, it's a chick flick. But it's funny, I promise.

Apr 20th 2007

Don't worry... I got the reference! I just am chiming in late.

Apr 20th 2007

Phew.

Apr 20th 2007

Is it too late to say "a ladies man doesn't know that he's a ladies man"? ;-)

Apr 20th 2007

Well, that leaves the door open for me.

Apr 20th 2007

It's all about the 'Bucks (Starbucks)...

In all seriousness, have fun with it no matter what happens. That's about the best advice I can give you.

Apr 20th 2007

So the thing is about an hour and a half away...any last-minute bits of advice on how to play it?

  1. Be desireless.

  2. Be excellent.

  3. Be gone.

Apr 20th 2007

Too bad that's a reference, CZ-J. That was some good advice.

Apr 20th 2007 edited

And that's that. This deal tonight was a coffeehouse-type environment. I show up. She's working the counter, but she's in the back, so some guy takes my order. I stand around. She comes up with some other people's drinks. Sees me. Gives the people their stuff. Sees me again, doesn't make (avoids?) eye contact. Gets the next orders. Sees me again and says hi, starts fixing more drinks. I've got nothing to do but stand at the counter and wait for my drink. She's got nothing to do but stand at the counter and prepare someone's drink. We stand across from each other and don't talk. I ask her how she's been. Busy, she says. Me too. We go on like that for a little bit. She finishes my drink and gives it to me and goes off.

I go into the next room, with tables set up and games spread out. One table is playing Outburst. I half-know a girl at the table, but she takes no notice of me. Another is playing Trouble. I know a couple girls there too. They say hi. I say hi back. I'm lousy at inserting myself into groups; after a couple seconds I realize I'm just standing there watching them play Trouble. I walk off.

I go back to the main room. I take a look around. There are lively conversations taking place among people I don't know. There are games underway that I am too late to join. There's her, and she's stuck behind a counter and seemingly not all that excited to see me in the first place. And then there's me, just standing there holding my coffee mug like an idiot.

So I left. I was there maybe twenty minutes.

I'm already second-guessing everything. She had a job to do, of course she couldn't give me a whole bunch of attention even if she wanted to. Maybe she was shy. Maybe she felt guilty for not saying anything about dinner. (That's probably true whether or not she wanted to at all.) Maybe this is just self-fulfilling prophecy; act like this and what do you expect. Maybe if I'd stayed some good would've come of the evening. Whatever. Screw it.

Apr 20th 2007

If your feelings about her haven't changed, then the only advice worth giving is Michael's: never ever ever give up.

Apr 20th 2007

Damn, Nathan. That's rough. But here's the thing; if you give up now, you could be missing out on something really great.

Don't over-analyze "why she didn't talk to you" or whatever, it can do a good job of making you think things are worse than they really are. Something that I didn't realize until a while ago is, girls get shy too. Plus, she was working. And by "working", I mean she was actually busy with work-related stuff for the most part. Sure, she was standing around taking orders, but her boss might not feel so generous about her talking to customers for too long. Plenty of times when I have been working, someone comes along that I want to talk to for a while (friend or romantic interest), but I have had to cut it short because the boss-man came around doing his endless amount of busy work and I knew he'd say something rude to me and whoever I was with, and that's not fun.

The thing is, you're at a point with this girl where things are iffy. I take it from your comments prior to tonight that she's someone you consider very special. Great, good, but don't try to rush the moment. I can't tell you when the right time will be to stride across the coffee bar, take her in your arms, and plant a big one while "Let's Get It On" blares across the music system (or "Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)", which would be my luck if I ever tried something romantic like that). But if you're willing to hold on and not run at the first sign of unease, you might just come close to something really good with her.

And if it doesn't happen with her...so what? Yeah, it might hurt for a while and you'll be in your room listening to whatever sad music helps you deal with it (for me, a combination of Ray Charles' "You Don't Know Me", Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart", John Lennon's "Jealous Guy", and various Cure songs). But one day you'll get up and get over her and move on to the next woman who catches your imagination.

Or you join the Church as a priest or a monk and shut yourself away for the rest of your natural life ;-)

Anyway, don't let tonight get you so down. It could be just your self-doubts getting the better of you.

Apr 20th 2007 edited

Chris Isaak, "Somebody's Cryin' " does it for me.

Speaking only for myself, if I guy I was in like with visited me at work, I'd certainly have gotten giggly and shy and still managed to transmit that I was tickled pink he came by. I'm getting the sense that the conversation when she gets home to her roommate is going to be more along the lines of "and he stood there waiting and waiting" rather than "he came to visit me and I couldn't break away."

I'm getting a bad vibe. I think the no response to your invitation and no happy eye contact don't bode well, and it's not anything anyone did to mess stuff up. It's just sort of a blank.

Edited to rephrase the second paragraph

Apr 20th 2007

It's a cold cold world out there. Don't give up Nathan. But don't stress about it either, it was one night.

Apr 20th 2007

Some suggested pick-me-ups for Nathan after his night of misery (other than "Booze Cruise" and "Casino Night"):

Movies: Say Anything, Rushmore, Garden State, Love Actually, Spider-Man 2, The Graduate, and any Monty Python flicks (just because it's a nice break from all the heavy romantic themes in the previous selections)

Music: Wilco - "I'm The Man Who Loves You", John Lennon - "Just Like Starting Over", Otis Redding - "Try a Little Tenderness", The Clash - "Police and Thieves" (it works for me), New Order - "Bizarre Love Triangle"/"Temptation"/"Regret", any Barry White, Al Green - "L-O-V-E", Radiohead - "Thinking Bout You", Squeeze - "Take Me I'm Yours", XTC - "Don't Lose Your Temper", The Who - "A Quick One While He's Away(live)"/"Love Reign O'er Me", The Beatles - "She Loves You"/"I Want to Hold Your Hand"/"Dear Prudence"/"I Will"/"Something", Lou Reed - "Real Good Time Together", Pulp - "Something Changed", The Replacements - "Within Your Reach"/"I'll Be You", Madness - "Must be Love", Weezer - "El Scorcho", The Kinks - "Something Better Beginning"/"Here Comes Yet Another Day", Postal Service - "Such Great Heights", David Gray - "This Year's Love", Velvet Underground - "After Hours", U2 - "Bad"....

Books: High Fidelity, Love Is a Mix Tape, Love in the Time of Cholera, ect.

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