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[Closed] Summer Contest Challenge #1: Northern Attackers Make a Scene
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Jun 4th 2007 edited

Writing prompt:

Michael calls everyone into the conference room for an emergency meeting to address an embarrassing incident that occurred recently involving himself and an employee.

Challenge details:

Write a short scene for the show with the prompt as the set-up. You may choose to write the scene in dialogue only or include other descriptons such as setting, facial expressions/body language, camera views/directions, etc.

Judging criteria:

Responses are to be evaluated on the following:

1) Overall impact

2) True to characters

3) Appropriate to challenge prompt

4) Creativity

Reminders:

  • Deadline for submitting entry #1 is midnight PST, Sunday, June 10

  • Voting for challenge #1 begins Monday, June 11

  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to contest description thread for questions/discussion.

  • No Editing Allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check word count (250 word max) and content before posting.

  • Please review contest description for other details.

Summer contest is underway—old friends, new lovers, and the disabled, welcome all!

Jun 5th 2007

Pam: Yesterday, Michael had some soup that was in the fridge. It was menudo. When Oscar explained to him what it was, he vomited. On Angela.

Break room, yesterday

Michael: (eating) Man, am I glad someone left food in the fridge today. (Mouth full) I am starving!

Oscar: That looks like menudo.

Michael: Mm, what’s that?

Oscar: It’s a Mexican soup made with tripe.

Blank stare.

Oscar: Stomach.

Michael: Oh my. Oh wow. That is coming right back up. (Gags)

Conference room

Michael: Yesterday, something terrible happened. But apparently, some of you, Angela, aren’t willing to let it go. So I am here today to prove that maybe you all aren’t so fearless either. It’s Fear Factor!

Jim: And what is the prize? Cash?

Michael: Cash? Wha- No. The prize is…ok, the prize is that you get bragging rights for a week. And Dwight will do your laundry.

Dwight: I have not authorized my services to be in any way affiliated with this contest.

Michael: Shuuuuut it. Okay, who’s first?

Reveals container of live crickets.

Andy: If no one wants to step up…I’ll do it. Beer me that cricket!

Andy proceeds to eat three crickets before gagging. He tries to stuff another in his mouth, but it escapes. Kelly looks sick.

Michael’s office

Michael: Well I think I proved a point. Most people will vomit when forced to eat…not normal things. The carpet in there will have to be replaced, of course. Worth it, if you ask me.

Jun 5th 2007

Michael: FAC everybody! FAC!

Jim: FAC?

Michael: Front and Center...

Jim: Oh...

Pam: What's happening?

Michael: We have had a slight incident...

Stanley: What is it this time, Michael?

Dwight: Shut up, Stanley. Let's all listen to what Michael has to say...

Michael: Thank you, Dwight...Now. I have just discovered that someone has sent a fake memo to corperate saying that me and Ryan are involved in a secret love relationship...

Pam and Jim look at each other.

Pam puts her hand over her mouth to stiffle her laugh.

Camera pans over to Ryan who has his head in his hands...

Michael: I just wanted to let you all know, that Ryan and I are NOT involved in anything...I am involved with Jan...we make sweet love on a regular basis...

Pam and Jim look at each other with raised eyebrows

Michael: I shouldn't have said that.

Jun 5th 2007

Camera crew films Michael and Meredith chat in the lunch room from afar. Michael looks surprised. Meredith looks insulted.

Later that day:
Michael calls an emergency staff meeting. Five minutes before quitting time. On Friday afternoon.

Michael: Hey. I...have a secret to share...about Meredith (points to her) that she told me today. I’ll give twenty bucks to anyone who can tell me what religion Meredith is.
The whole staff, in chorus: Jewish.
Michael (surprised and frustrated that they ruined his reveal): What? No. How did you know that?
Kelly: Everyone knows, Michael.
Angela (scornfully): She gets paid religious holidays like once a month.
Kelly (to Angela): Jealous?
Michael (interrupting): Just...shut it. Seriously. How could you tell? She doesn’t act Jewish. She doesn’t look Jewish, either. She never wears a hijab, or those silly red friendship bracelets that Madonna wears. She also drinks. A lot.
Stanley (voicing the frustration of the staff): What’s this meeting about, Michael? Michael: Fine. Meredith’s sons’ bar-mitzvah is tomorrow. I thought it would be appropriate to give her a card to mark this festive occasion. So, just sign it, and you can go. Oh! FYI. Meredith told me you don’t get circumcised at a bar-mitzvah. That’s just for babies. Not young adults. Common misunderstanding. Could happen to anyone. So, don’t put anything about that in the card. (Long, awkward pause ensues).
Dwight (talking head): Adult circumcision? BFD. I was circumcized when I was nineteen. Not really on purpose. Beet farm accident. It was a clean cut....mostly.

Jun 5th 2007

Conference Room: Michael addressing dumbfounded employees. Jan seen through window leaving hastily.

Michael:
Toby has informed me that even though I have a love contract and even though my girlfriend no longer works for Dunder Mifflin…

Jim Talking Head:
Jan lives with Michael now and spends all day at his condo. Sometimes she comes to the office to run errands, like getting his car washed. Sometimes she brings him lunch. And sometimes… well… sushi isn’t always the only thing on the menu. Or the desk. And sometimes people, like Angela, who are working through lunch to meet deadlines, need to ask Michael questions. And sometimes, when his door isn’t completely closed, they enter without knocking.

Michael:
…I am not allowed to have sex with Jan.

Toby:
I never said you couldn’t have sex with Jan. I said—

Michael:
You couldn’t even have sex with your wife!

<deep breath>

Anyway… I just wanted to make sure that you all know that this relationship is absolutely under control and that no one—Pam… and, I guess, well, Oscar—have to worry that this will ever happen to you because I am fixing the lock on the door.

Toby:
No… it’s because—

Meredith <interrupting Toby>:
The walking in part or the sex part?

Michael:
The walking in part. And… also the sex part.

Andy:
Burn! Score one for Michael!

Kevin:
<giggles>

Jim:
Actually, wouldn’t that be score two for Michael?

Kevin:
Michael had sex with someone else in his office? Was it Pam?

Jun 5th 2007

Michael (speaking in front of everyone in the conference room): Some of you may have heard that a popular men’s magazine was found on my desk yesterday.

Kevin: You mean the Playboy Magazine? (looks at the camera and grins)

Michael: Yes… Kevin. But understand that I am not ashamed of these tasteful adult periodicals. In fact, starting today I would like us all to embrace and acknowledge the beauty that is the human body, nude. And with that said, I took the initiative to purchase a year’s subscription to Playboy and have them delivered to the office for everyone to enjoy.

Kevin: Yes!

Angela: No, this is extremely inappropriate.

Michael: Wait, not to worry ladies… and Oscar. I also had Dwight subscribe to the very popular Playgirl Magazine as well so…

Meredith: Alright!

Toby: No, Michael I told you yesterday, as soon as I saw them on your desk, that those types of magazines aren't allowed in the workplace.

Michael (looks at Toby with an irritated look): Yes… Toby, you did try and make that very clear. But you failed to realize that these magazines are motivational and educational. But if you’re too immature to realize that then maybe you should just get quit your job, please.

JAM (talking heads): Jim: I’m actually pretty surprised that Michael is able to actually read Playboy without giggling like a little school boy. Pam: (smiling) I know. Do you read those magazines? Jim: Um no… but I do I find beauty in the human body. Pam: (nods her head in agreement) (awkward silence, eye contact, grin) Jim: (looks at the camera with his ‘Jim’ face) ok.

Jun 5th 2007

Conference room: Staff is seated. Ryan leans against wall, arms crossed.

Michael:
So, I have to apologize for accidentally showing my and Jan’s home movie instead of Toby’s stupid training video. You have to agree that even though we didn’t learn about customer service, you picked up some pointers about servicing a ---

Staff groans

Ryan:
Move on, Michael. There are other things on your list.

Ryan (talking head):
Michael’s gotten away with a lot in the past. As his new boss, I insist that he apologize for all inappropriate behavior. Is it revenge? Yeah, it kind of is.

Michael (reading):
Making joke about Phyllis’ age. Telling Pam she wasn’t grumpy now that she’s getting some. Asking Kelly to consider making Bollywood movie. Come on Ryan….

Ryan (clears throat)

Michael (chastised):
Sorry. Come on Mr. Howard. How do you know about half of this? It’s like you have a spy here. Kelly, are you spying on us for your boyfriend?

Kelly:
I’m not a spy!

Ryan:
She isn’t my girlfriend!

Kelly:
Oh, I’m not? So you just got back together with me for gossip? Ryan Bailey Howard, you are a RAT! (she slaps him and storms out)

Ryan: (rubs cheek)

Michael:
Ah, young grasshoppah, you don’t yet know all that you think you do. Because I like you, you may borrow my camcorder to create your own apology video.

Jim (talking head):
Do I think it will be interesting having Ryan in charge of Michael? Absolutely, I do.

Jun 5th 2007

Michael (Talking Head): Today is “Secretary’s Day” I made Pam feel special by commenting on her beautiful blouse. I didn’t say “Nice Rack” or anything, just a friendly comment, using “stacked.” Now I don’t appreciate women?

(Conference Room)
Michael: Okay, Welcome to “Scott Trade School.” Today’s theme: “Appreciating Women: ‘They don’t just ‘woo men.’”

Oscar: You named your school “Scott Trade?”

Michael: “ScottSmart.” But that’s good. (Starts) Ingrid Gandhi said: “Behind every great man is a great woman.”

Jim: Really? Is that what she said?

Michael: Yes, it is. Something about this quote always touched me.

Angela: What makes you qualified to lead this?

Michael: Experience—I’ve done this for… years.

Pam: You just had me draw your logo twenty minutes ago.

Michael: See? I depended on you and you rose to the occasion. You girls are not the only ones who need depends. So do Men, except no bleeding. Bleah.

Phyllis: Michael, your thinking of tampons, depends are for adult incontinence (whispers) diapers.

Michael: Yesssss… I know, but … I meant we depend…so much on you we need extra protection—depends.

Kelly: So you’re saying you wear diapers?

Creed: They’re very comfortable.

Michael: Just shut it everyone. Watch the video. (Opens laptop, e-mail noise sounds.)

Michael: Oh! Something from Jan! (Reads) “I Feel Good!” See? Jan is filled with self confidence because she knows I appreciate her; I want all the women here to be like her. (Opens e-mail to find Jan in leather and stilettos).

Jun 5th 2007

Michael and Stanley stand at front of conference room

Michael: As some of you may have heard, this morning, at the urinal, I…took a glance…at Stanley.

Phyllis: Glance…down?

Michael: Yes.

Angela: Oh, Lord.

Stanley: I am not going to discuss this. (turns to leave)

Michael: Wait. I want the lady folk to understand. (smiles) This is no big deal. It’s what guys do!

Jim: It’s not what guys do.

Michael: Sure it is.

Michael talking head There are monkeys in the wild that greet each other by shaking genitals. Totally natural. And it’s common knowledge that humans are monkeys’ uncles. So…it’s the same.

Michael It’s like in the locker room. It’s understood, you take a peek. Whatchoo got? Here’s what I got! Mano-a-mano.

Head-shaking and blank stares from the group. Kevin straightens up to get a better look at Stanley, then slowly sinks back down with eyes darting side to side

Dwight: (excitedly raises hand) Michael, I’ll show you my penis.

Michael: No, Dwight—Blech! Not appropriate. In the conference room.

Toby: Michael, that’s not appropriate anywhere.

Michael: (angrily)Oh, Toby, like anyone would even care to look at yours! (exhales visibly) Okay, so we’re clear? Just guy fun. (forces laugh) That’s all it is.

Employees file out of room past Michael, each giving him disgusted looks. Michael's smile fades and, with each glare, he looks more dejected. Meredith is last. She stops

Meredith: So. (takes a sip from her straw) What’s it look like?

Jun 5th 2007

MICHAEL: So. Why are we here?

KEVIN: Because you left a sex picture on the Xerox and Angela found it?

MICHAEL: Wrong! Because Toby’s making us waste precious time discussing something somebody left on the Xerox. Could’ve been anybody. Who knows what goes on with that Xerox when nobody’s looking.

ANGELA: I know what goes on: you’re photocopying pictures of you and your girlfriend having sex.

KEVIN: Your naked girlfriend.

MICHAEL: Nude. Okay, Kevin? Little respect. And you could only see the back of my head, so, again, could’ve been anyone.

CREED: But you just said—

PAM: Why were you using the copier?

MICHAEL: Because how else am I gonna make copies, Pam? Geez! I can’t email this stuff around anymore, so you tell me—what am I supposed to do?

JIM: Kinko’s, maybe? I think they’re right up your alley.

TOBY: Or you could try not taking pictures of Jan naked.

MICHAEL: Please. Have you seen her breasts, Toby? Do you even remember what breasts look like?

DWIGHT hands Toby a photocopy.

MICHAEL: We’re talking the Golden Globes of breasts! No, the Nobel Peace Prize of breasts. May every man, woman, and child in the universe know the peace of such breasts.

PHYLLIS: But you hated it when she videotaped you having sex. Why are you taking pictures?

MICHAEL: Times have changed, Phyllis, let’s roll with the punches here. I’ve evolved.

DWIGHT: You mean her breasts have evolved. (Holds a photocopy up to the camera.)

MICHAEL: Gimme that. We’re done.

Jun 5th 2007

Oscar: Michael, what is this about?

Michael: Apparently, everyone is concerned about . . . my underwear.

Dwight: Do you mean your thong?

Jim talking head with flashback: Michael found his favorite jeans and while he was putting them on in the bathroom--not in a stall, of course--I noticed his thong. Yeah.
[Jim walking in and right out of the bathroom.]

Michael: What's the big deal? Lots of guys wear thongs.

Jim: Um, who exactly?

Kelli: Strippers.

Meredith nods.

Ryan: Gigolos.

Creed: I sure did.

Michael: Ew. No. Regular guys. Borat.

Pam: Was that a thong?

Michael: Fine. What about Right Said Fred? [Jim looks to camera.] Italians. [pointing] Oscar, obviously.

Oscar: Why? Because I'm gay?

Michael: Nnnnoo. Carnivale. Learn your heritage, hes-say.

Angela: If you want to wear disgusting things, I don't see why it's our business.

Jim: It's not disgusting. It's natural.

Michael: Jim, come on. (sighing) Jan quit doing my laundry . . . Dwight. (Dwight looks guilty) So--

Toby: Michael--

Michael: No. We are family. We share everything.

Jim: Ooh, does that include underwear? I call Dwight's.

Dwight: You will never--

Michael: Guys, I'm serious. This isn't underwear. It's my swimsuit. From Sandals. My other one was too baggy. And going commando . . . hurt.

Stanley gets up.

Michael: Where are you going?

Stanley: It's 5:00.

Everyone follows but Jim, Pam, and Michael.

Pam: You know, I think Borat was wearing a thong.

Jim: Me too. He's hilarious.

Michael: (tearing up) Thank you.

Jun 5th 2007

Michael: It has come to my attention that someone in this office (turns to stare at Pam) has forwarded a link to a website…

Pam: fanfiction.net

Michael: And that link has a document in it…

Jim: A fanfiction document about Grey’s Anatomy

Michael: That some of you think I wrote, which I did not.

Phyllis: So you’re not User Name: Michael Scott, Profile: 44-year-old Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, Favorite Ship: Alex and Izzie?

Michael: They asked for my name, OK?

(Pam and Jim can barely keep a straight face. Andy is nodding furiously, although it’s not sure who he’s agreeing with. Dwight looks confused. Angela looks disgusted. Oscar and Kevin are snickering in the back of the room. Stanley is doing a crossword.)

Jim: So it was you?

Michael: No, I…

Pam: Michael, people make up user names on those sites for privacy. Did you…do you think mcssteamylover2385 was someone’s real name?

Michael (bewildered): No, no, it was not me, I don’t even watch that show.

Pam: You talk to me about it for 30 minutes every Friday morning.

Kelly: Your story’s about is a four-way lesbian scene with Izzie, Addison, Meredith, and Cristina. That would never happen.

Michael: Um, have you ever seen the show Kelly? Everybody’s having sex with everybody else. Plus, all women are bi-curious. I read that once. In a magazine.

Jim: So you did write it.

(Long pause)

Michael: This meeting is over. (Stalks out of the room to the sound of laughter)

Jun 5th 2007

michael: ok, i need to make you aware of something that i did, accidentally, that could have repercussions later on. something everyone has probably done. well, except for the women i guess.

i think... i might have seen oscar’s.... you know... at the urinal.

oscar: what?!?... did you just say, michael?!

dwight: oh, he saw it, alright. i saw him see it.

michael: dwight!... not!... i was looking, alright,... over to see if there were towels. ok? my eyes, accidentally, landed on... it. i wouldn’t... i mean, if i see oscar in there i avoid him like the plague. i go to the opposite end!

oscar: i can’t believe this...

michael: no, hear me out, oscar. i mean, you’re, technically, the opposite sex and i don’t want to stand there beside you, lolling it around, making you feel all sexually,.... you know, like,.... ah!... yes!... like phyllis!

this guy walks up to phyllis and hangs it out like they’re buddies. a couple guys standing at the urinal. shooting the breeze. just machine gunning urinal cakes. “hey phyllis, how’s it hanging?”... sh’oh! (positively gleeful) d’jou hear?.. “how’s it hanging!” i didn’t even... sorry.

bottom line, i’m not one to subject my employees to my sexuality... especially, in the men’s room. so, in there, my friend, you’re persona non-gratific... gratis.

oscar: are you finished?

michael: that’sss... none of your beeswax. (michael snickers, feeling he’s dodged a bullet)

oscar: that was... absolutely inappropriate!

dwight: i told you, michael. helloooo, mr. albini.

Jun 5th 2007

Pam TH: From what I gathered from Kelly’s sobbing (cuts to Kelly in the kitchen crying like the world is ending), Michael was trying to move past her to get in the fridge and called her “lard butt.” It’s really not a big deal, but ever since Ryan broke up with Kelly, she’s kind of a mess. She talks to me about it. A lot. sighs Even Angela is giving me sympathetic looks.

Conference Room

Michael: I was kidding! Kelly, you have a lovely rear end. In fact, stand up and show us all, so we can admire it to its fullest. Er, not…fullest.

Phyllis: Why do we all need to be here for this? Can’t you just work it out with Toby?

Michael: Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Phyllis? (Looks at camera) The Jeffersons.

Toby: She’s right, Michael. We really don’t need more lawsuit issues.

Kelly: You don’t understand! I have done like millions of butt crunches over the past months, trying to get in shape for swimsuit season! Only to find out now that Ryan broke up with me because I’m…I’m… FAT!

Andy: I dated a fat girl once. Not the best move of my college career.

Jim: Oh, was she in high school, too?

Michael: You know what? Let’s have all the women get up here and walk like they’re on the catrun.

Angela TH: I would have got up and left right then. But I didn’t, because that would have given Michael a chance to ogle my… posterior.

Jun 6th 2007

Michael: Effective immediately, there will be no gossiping or rumor spreading allowed in this office. I know this seems tough, but it’s for your own good…

Kelly: (interrupting) Michael, does this have anything to do with the rumor I heard this morning that you have a tattoo on your butt?

Michael: (glaring at Kelly) Shuuuut it…

Oscar: (laughing) You have a tattoo on your butt?

Michael: Of course not, it’s just a rumor…

Creed: It’s true. Frank saw it and he told me all about it.

Jim: Frank? From the night cleaning crew? Michael, how did Frank see YOUR butt?

Michael: (sighs, gives up) I was using the bathroom, there was no toilet paper, I got up to get some from the next stall. I didn’t know he was there, he walked in…

Pam: (stifling a laugh) Why were you using the bathroom here at night?

Michael: Because I can’t… ever since Jan moved in, I can’t… go number two at home.

Pam: She doesn’t let you?

Michael: She wants to watch and I just…can’t…

(laughter fills the room)

Phyllis: (giggling) What kind of tattoo is it, Michael?

Creed: It’s the mark of the devil.

Michael: No, it’s not the...(hesitating)…It’s a purple pony.

Creed: Like I said.

Jim: A purple pony? Why, Michael, do you have a purple pony on your butt?

Michael: Jan says it was her favorite childhood toy and now she likes to ride me like one.

(room explodes with laughter)

Michael: Okay, meeting adjourned! Please leave!

Jun 6th 2007

Dwight TH: My prediction came to fruition: the women in this office really have wreaked havoc on the plumbing. We have a call into Lakawana County Sanitation Services to clean up the resulting mess, but as of right now, the women’s bathroom is unusable. Excrement and feminine hygiene products everywhere. Right now, we have just one co-ed bathroom…unfortunately, Michael walked in on Pam…

Stanley TH: I hate sharing the men’s room with Kelly. I cannot go when people are talking to me. I’ll develop a bladder infection now.

Creed TH: Before I came here, unisex restrooms were the norm everywhere I was. Especially at the Y. I love them. The female mystique has a very calming, relaxing effect on me.

In the conference room:

Michael: As some of you are aware, I made the wonderful (pause)…I mean, unfortunate, mistake of walking in on Pam in the bathroom earlier today. I just want to clear the air and dispel the rumors that are surely circulating: Pam and I are not an item.

Jim: Wow…did you start that rumor yourself, just now?

Pam: Michael…

Michael: No, I want to clear this up. Especially because when I opened the door to that stall, you were holding what looked like a pregnancy test. Don’t want anyone to think that little bambino is mine…although I would love that.

Pam and Jim exchange worried, discreet glances.

Angela: I’m not at all surprised that this happened today. Pam is wearing an orange sweater. And a green headband.

Jun 6th 2007

(Michael looks flushed and disheveled; pants have a large wet spot)

Michael: Ok everybody, this’ll only take a sec’d. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it is totally false.

(Pam glances at Jim, eyes wide)

Michael: Here’s what happened. I was eating a delicious snack of candied yams and Jan called which startled me and I spilled them on my suit, which cost me $50…

Kelly: Where did you buy a…

Michael: …so I took off my pants and sent Dwight to clean them up. While waiting for him I remembered the dress I just bought for my Mom’s birthday. She likes getting new clothes but doesn’t like showing too much… uh… cleavage…

Kevin: Is your mom stacked, Michael?

Michael: Shuuut… Kevin, that’s gross. Just… I needed to check the neckline so when Dwight came back he tried the dress on; I knew Pam wouldn’t. (glare) I was trying to zip him up and that’s when Angela barged in and screamed.

Dwight TH: Michael is my… General. If he needs to dress me in women’s clothing it is my duty. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Jim: (fighting smile) You know you two should disclose to HR…

Michael: Gah… I’m not… besides… Dwight? Even if I was not sooo the opposite of gay I wouldn’t do that with him. Or any employee for that matter.

Meredith: But Jan…

Michael: Right; never sleep with your boss either. Even if you think they’re really, really hot.

(Cut to shot of Ryan at Corporate)

Jun 6th 2007

Conference room

Michael: Last night after work one of you walked in on me when I thought I was alone and saw something she shouldn't have.

Pam (Talking Head): I had to come back to the office after work last night because I forgot my sketchbook. When I came in I heard "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" blaring. Then I turned the corner and saw Michael dancing in his underwear.

Michael (Talking Head): A few weeks ago I got an email from a company offering me the chance to buy a prototype invisibility cloak at a special introductory price. I received it yesterday and tried it out after work. But I must have been using it wrong because Pam came in and she saw me.

Conference room after Michael's explained things to everyone.

Michael: It's only fair that I should get to see Pam in her underwear. And she has to do a little dance.

Kevin nods in agreement

Pam: No, Michael. That's ridiculous.

Jim: There's no such thing as an invisibility cloak. Didn't you realize that when you could still see yourself?

Michael: The instructions said I would be able to see myself since my eyes were under the cloak.

Dwight: If it makes you feel better, Michael, you can watch me dance in my underwear.

Michael: Ugh.

Michael shakes his head

Michael: We need an "arbotrator."

Pam looks at Jim for help.

Jim raises his hands near his head and does a little dance move.

Pam smiles.

Jun 6th 2007

Toby: So, you understand taking Phyllis down to the warehouse to test the sex swing you installed because she was about the same weight as you and Jan combined was inappropriate. On many levels.

Michael: You know, Toby, last night I was in bed with my concubine, and we were watching Seinfeld on TBS. There was an annoying lady, and she got her pinkie toe cut off by a street sweeper! Know what her name was? Toby. That’s right. Toby is an annoying girl’s name, not a man’s. Be careful around street-sweepers, No-Pinkie-Toe-Toby. Hey, that could be your Indian name.

Kevin: Michael, I’m pretty sure that in that show the girl got her toe back. Kramer put it in a CrackerJack box of ice and drove to the hospital on a bus. Speed-style.

Pam: I don’t think we even have street sweepers in Scranton.

Jim: Yeah, I’ve seen that Seinfeld episode, too, and doesn’t Toby end up getting promoted because her accident?

Michael: Well, I didn’t get to see the end. The Snuggle Timer went off, and it was Jan’s turn to…choose things to do (stricken expression). Nyahhhgaaah. Toby. Promotion? Never gonna happen.

Michael TH: Of course Toby can’t get promoted. Promotions are positive things. That’s why the word starts with “pro.” There is nothing positive about Toby. Toby should be…con-moted.

Creed TH: The pinkie toe is a superfluous appendage. I’m better off without it. Same with that second kidney. It brought a pretty penny on the black market.

Jun 6th 2007

TITLE: DELETED SCENE FROM GAY WITCH HUNT

(Dwight is standing with his nose in a corner of the conference room. Michael is at the front.)

MICHAEL: Many of you noticed that Dwight grabbed my pe…p-privates at lunch today.

(Pam looks surprised. Stanley looks bored.)

(Cut scene: Dwight is sitting at his desk trying to catch a fly with one hand. Michael walks by just as Dwight snaps his hand closed, accidentally grabbing Michael. Horrified, Dwight doesn’t let go for a moment, until Michael slaps him. Michael runs to his office. Dwight, ashamed then determined, pulls a sword from his desk and knocks on Michael’s door.)

MICHAEL: I know everyone has been spreading rumors but I want to make it clear: I am NOT gay. (Oscar looks up.)

DWIGHT: (off camera) Michael…

MICHAEL: And neither is Dwight…(mumbles loudly) although that remains to be seen.

(Angela frowns.)

MICHAEL: (noticing Oscar) Not that gay is bad. It’s not. Hate the person love the sin.

STANLEY: Don’t you mean love the person hate the sin?

MICHAEL: NO! That would make me gay…and I’m NOT. Gay.

PAM: Michael, why is Dwight in the corner?

DWIGHT: (from corner) Self-imposed punishment. (Talking Head) In karate, if a senpei embarrasses his sensei, he stabs himself in the eye with his own sword so as not to witness the pain he caused his master. I decided to punish myself a different way since I need both of my eyes to protect…(He pauses. Angela can be seen behind, at the copier)… Michael. Plus, Michael said no.

Jun 6th 2007

Conference Room

Michael: I am here to discuss a recent incident. It involves trickery of the worst kind. I am talking about Transgender...ism..isation. Oscar, surely you can relate.

Oscar: No, Michael, I cannot. I am not Transgendered.

Kevin: You did dress like a woman for Halloween.

Oscar: And you dressed like a superhero. Clearly you are not.

Michael <talking head>: I recently watched Transamerica and was stunned to find out Felicity Huffman was actually a man. She is so convincing on Desperate Housewives. <pauses> I confronted Pudge, in the warehouse, about being Transamerican, and she complained to Toby.

Michael: Apparently, I was mistaken about our hardworking and masculine warehouse worker, Bart.

Madge: My name is Madge.

Michael: <quickly> Doesn't matter. I am sorry for asking if you were a man. In fact, it doesn't matter to me that you were ever a man-

Madge: I'm not. <shakes her head and leaves>

Michael: Well, Toby, you've managed to alientate another employee by airing their dirty laundry.

Toby: <quietly> So, no apology...

Creed <talking head>: I've had some trannies. After the shrooms wore off, I'd see the Adam's apple. Always a nice surprise. Two for one.

Dwight <talking head>: I have witnessed many sexual anomalies on the farm. It doesn't shock me. Fact: shrimp, orchids, tropical fish, and some frogs have the ability to switch sex. I wish I had the ability to be female and male that way I could singlehandedly ensure the Shrute family line.

Jun 6th 2007

Michael: Meeting time people.

Jim: Question. If we weren’t sexually harassed by you online, do we have to stick it out?

Michael: No. And that’s what she—”

He shuts up as Bob Vance glares at him.

Michael: <TH> I heard the Internet was great for meeting women, and since Jan’s dating the landscaper… Anyway, I stumbled into this forum, “Close Knit Chicks,” and I’m sweet talking this lady calling herself “PurlGirl.” Hot, right?
_(pause)

Turns out it was Phyllis. It was a knitting forum.

Michael: I’ve asked you here to clear up a misunderstanding.

Bob: You insulted Mrs. Bob Vance!

Michael: No, see, it wasn’t…

Phyllis: It was disgusting, Michael. You asked if I wore thongs and said you liked little kids.

Michael: Those were completely unrelated…and somewhat out of context.

Jim and Pam exchange shocked glances.

Pam: And why are we here?

Michael: So I can apologize to Phyllis…and explain why I did nothing wrong.

Phyllis: Michael, you said you needed companionship because you were surrounded by idiots at work. Did you mean us?

Dwight appears crestfallen.

Michael: No. See, I thought it was a dating forum.

Pam: (smiling) But why would you call us idiots in a dating forum?

Michael: That’s the thing. It turns out it was a needlepoint club.

Phyllis: Let’s go Bob!

Everyone files out slowly.

Pam: <TH> I tried online dating once. It wasn’t for me. There’s better ways to meet people.

Jim: Pam?
(to camera) Sorry.
Ready for lunch, Pam?

Jun 6th 2007

MICHAEL stands at the end of the table. All sit, save DWIGHT, who stands next to him.

MICHAEL: This morning, as you may know, I walked into the ladies’ rest room. Now, I have tried to explain myself. Some of the women in this office would not accept my reasoning. Pam, what was it you said?

PAM: I said you were digging the hole deeper.

MICHAEL: I was digging the hole deeper. I was digging this hole with my hands, and my fingernails, and my . . . tongue. Well, now . . . (Holds out a hand. DWIGHT hands him a child-sized shovel.) I have a tiny shovel. It is my plan to take tiny steps --

JIM (raising hand): Question: Will you be doing any tiny digging?

MICHAEL: I don’t know what that is.

STANLEY: It’s the kind of digging it would take to remove your brain.

MICHAEL: What?

PAM: Tiny digging is when you dig tiny holes.

KELLY: To put, like, tiny things in them.

MICHAEL: Why would I want to do that?

PAM: If you had a tiny time capsule?

KEVIN: I think Meredith has some tiny bottles of Jägermeister in her desk.

CUT to a talking head of DWIGHT.

DWIGHT: I can’t see the rationale behind a tiny time capsule. If I made a time capsule, I would want to put large things in it, to encompass as much of my temporal period as possible. Like a two-liter of Coke. A big-screen TV. (pause) A Ford Expedition. I hear those are nice.

Jun 7th 2007

(Michael has called the meeting because Kelly, thinking she was following Ryan into the men’s bathroom to continue a fight, busted in on Michael instead)

Kelly: It’s like freaktown weirdville. He crosses his legs and reads a magazine like he’s waiting for the bus, or something.

Michael: That’s not true! (Under breath) I would never ride the bus.

(Jim raises hand)

Michael: Yes?

Jim: How did she see you? I mean, with the stall door closed…

Michael: Well, James, I have to keep the door open to have room to cross my legs.

Stanley: Is that even possible?

*Michael: Yes, Stanley, it’s possible. Everyone has their own individual style.

Jim: Yeah, the same individual style

Michael: Is that so hard to grasp?

Dwight (to camera): That’s what she said.

Michael: I’ve seen literally hundreds men using the bathroom (Jim gives camera look somewhere between horrified and amused), and everyone is different. I don’t come into the restroom and comment on any of your styles.

Angela: Oh God.

Michael: I should have locked the door like I usually do, but I had a hard time finding the right magazine, so I was running out of time. This is exactly why I lock the door, so I don’t have an awkward run-in with someone – like Oscar… or Pam.

Pam (with a look of shock at the inclusion of her name): Why would I…?

Michael: You never know what secret desires lurk in the hearts of women, Pam.

(Pam gives camera appalled/defeated look)

Jun 7th 2007

Conference room:

Michael: I came into the office late last night and had an...ahh..."encounter" with an unknown someone. Now I know it was one of you...I got a quick glimpse of huge, beautiful naked breasts, then the unknown person ran out the back. But they left behind...this...

Michael unveils an enormous bra. Everyone in the room gasps, but Michael looks at it lovingly.

Andy: Nice!

Dwight: (pumps his fist) Yes!

Michael: I just need to know who it was...I couldn't stop thinking about it all night, and the image in my mind...well...made me do things that were inapprobable...so, I just need to know who it was...Pam or Karen? Kelly?

Karen: Michael, that's ridiculous! It's like a novelty bra or something!

Pam: Michael, do you realize how big that is? No one is that big!

Michael (confused): Well then who... (looks at Meredith)

Meredith: You know I don't wear bras!

(Creed, to the side of her, nods knowingly)

Creed: Amen, sister!

Phyliss: Michael, don't look at me. I wasn't in the office last night.

Michael (looks relieved): Well that's obvious. What I saw was beauti...Phyliss is also beautiful. In ways that are not naked. No...

Dwight (stands up): We're not leaving this room until we find out who was the object of Michael's fantasy last night!

The room is dead silent and suddenly it becomes apparent that Kevin is red-faced and glancing nervously around the room.

Michael: But who then is big enough to fill out (holding up the bra). He suddenly locks eyes with Kevin and shudders as he has a realization.

Jim (realizes too): Oh my god!!!

Kevin TH: I was working late and it was hot in the office. So I took my shirt off. And my male support garment. (pauses) Man boobs run in my family.

Jun 7th 2007

(Michael interrupts the party planning committee setting up decorations that say “You’re the best, Dad!”)

Michael: Take them down, take them all down. Take down the banners, throw away the cups, and white out the plates, we’re not having this.

Angela: But it’s Father’s Day and you wanted a luncheon to celebrate.

Michael: Well, forget it, it’s done. Father’s Day doesn’t exist at Dunder Mifflin as of today.

Phyllis: Why not?

Michael: Just forget it, save the leftovers for the next holiday, when’s that again?

Pam: The Fourth of July.

Michael: What happens then? (Pam glares at the camera. Michael walks out.) Attention everyone, please meet in the conference room in two minutes, I have an important announcement!

Dwight: Two minutes people, or you’re not seeing your fathers this weekend!

Michael: What?

Dwight: Tit-for-tit, if they don’t listen to you, their “work father” why would they be given time to see their actual fathers?

Michael: Shut up, Dwight, everyone’s going to see their real fathers. (Under his breath) Almost everyone.

Michael: In case you haven’t heard, Father’s Day doesn’t exist at Dunder Mifflin, effective immediately.

Stanley: That’s great, considering our children don’t work here anyway. Can we go back to work now?

Creed: That’s not entirely true. I’m sure some of my children work here.

(Michael’s eyes widen.)

Creed (aside): I don’t have any legitimate children, but I have been in Pennsylvania for more than ten years, and well…let’s just say the groupies knew me as “Johnny Appleseed.”

Michael: Dad?

Jun 8th 2007

TH- Pam: Michael was in the women’s restroom wearing nothing but a pink dress shirt and plaid boxers.

(Cuts to Conference Room)

Michael: I thought that all the women went out for lunch, today! Besides, I just had to change clothes, ok? I’m not a transvestite. If anybody is, it’s Toby. Or Oscar. It’s all that magazine’s fault, anyway.

(Pans to Jim)

Jim: You read in a magazine that it’s ok to change clothes the women’s restroom, as long as they’re out to lunch?

(Back to Michael)

Michael: No! I read that pastels are an increasing trend for spring. And so, I wore a pink shirt today. But I didn’t receive any complements from Ja- anybody today, so I was changing to a white one at lunch, ok?

Dwight: Michael, I’m sorry for not noticing your different clothing today. But-

Pam: Why did you have your pants off, Michael?

Michael: Arrrgh! It’s- it’s just easier to change clothes that way. When I get dressed in the morning, it’s always shirt on pants on. When I get undressed at night, it’s always pants off, shirt off. I-I can’t explain it. It’s just the way I do things, ok?

Angela: Why the women’s room?

Michael: You wouldn’t understand. There isn’t a gay woman here that you all have to worry about.

Oscar: You were afraid I’d walk in? Michael-

Michael: No, no, no. Just, shut it.

TH- Creed: I just don’t understand why he was putting his clothes back on.

Jun 8th 2007

Scene: Dunder-Mifflin conference room

Michael: I asked you all in here, because I wanted to discuss the unpleasantness that occurred last Friday.

Phyllis: Michael, you really don't have to. It's ok.

Michael: No, no, this is important.
(camera cuts to flashback)
Now, it was Phyllis and Bob's first anniversary over the weekend, and I was giving her a gentle ribbing about their plans for the evening. I got a little carried away, and started looking in her purse.
(camera returns to conference room)
(pauses, coughs) I didn't think I'd actually find anything, ...but then, well, somehow they ended up all over her desk.

Stanley: Is this really necessary?

Michael: Why, Stanley? Do you have more important plans?

Stanley: Yes, Michael. I plan on pretending I never saw those things!

Angela: Wait, how did they end up all over the desk?

Michael: I already said, it was a gentle ribbing, gone horribly wrong.

Jim: So they were ribbed? Nice.

Kevin: Nice.

(Jim grins at the camera, then Pam. She smiles and rolls her eyes.)

Michael: That is not funny. This is not funny, ok? This is intimate, and personable, and private.

Phyllis: Michael, really, don't worry about it. We're all adults here.

Andy: (disguised as cough) Boner! (coughs again)

Michael: Andy, come on man! What was that!?

Andy: Sorry, something was tickling my throat.

Michael: (starts to talk)

Dwight: That's what she said!

Michael: (slumps) Hmmmppppppfffffffff....

Jun 8th 2007

Jim and Pam TH:
Jim: This morning, Michael spilled water all over the floor while performing a magic trick.

(cut to flashback of Michael throwing a bucket of water on Phyllis)

Michael: (puzzled look to the camera) Where’s the confetti?

back to Jim and Pam TH:
Pam: And when he went to the supply closet to get a mop and some towels, he walked in on two people umm…

(cut to conference room)

Michael: Welcome to Dunder-Mifflin’s Sexual Education Celebration!

Stanley: What is this about, Michael?

Michael: Well Stanley, this morning, I walked in on two people bumping nasties in the supply room. You know, doing mattress mambo.

Kevin: Niiice!

Angela: What?!

Michael: Don’t worry, it was dark and I didn’t see who it was. And since I can’t stop you guys from having fun, I figured I would educate my chillun about using contraptionception.

Jim looks at camera with eyes wide open and raised eyebrows

Michael pulls out a box that he got at the free clinic

Michael: Here we have a condom. I’m sure you all know how to use one. Well, maybe not you, Toby.

passes condom around

Michael: Hmm, what’s this? (reads wrapper) Ah, a sponge. (confused) This must be used to clean up afterwards.

(cut to Jim and Pam TH)
Jim turns to Pam and smiles

Pam, red in the cheeks, smiles at camera

Pam: So, I guess we should be more discreet next time.

Jun 9th 2007

Dwight: The case of Kapoor vs. Scott will now begin.

Michael: I’m still waiting for my character witness.

Jim: Your character witness?

Michael: Yeah, Todd Packer

(Jim face/eyebrows)

Toby: Shouldn’t we wait until the rep from corporate gets here?

Michael: You called corporate?!

Toby: I thought they should be informed…

Michael: Oh, you thought…Who’re they even going to send? Jan got fired…I turned down the job…did you think about that? (Toby looks knowingly at camera)…At lease we’ll get to see what kinda shlub they got to replace Jan. Let’s just get started.

Dwight: Right, Ms. Kapoor, tell us, in your own words, what happened.

Kelly: I went in to ask Michael about Ryan… (continues rambling)

Pam TH: Ryan left about a week ago and no one’s heard from him since…Kelly’s pretty upset.

Kelly: … that’s totally not like him…

Michael: mmhm…(feigned snoring)…

Kelly: See?! I was like, “Are you even listening to me?” He jumped, said “I know how you like it” and grabbed my breast!

Michael: I was dreaming about Jan. I was clearly not in my right mind. If I had been would I really have grabbed Kelly? Angela…maybe…Karen…probably…Pam, yes.

Kelly: You obviously thought since Ryan’s gone you’d take advantage of me…

Toby: Um…Michael, the guy from corporate is here.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved Jan.

Kelly: (screams) Ryan!!!

Michael: What’s going on? I thought you said corporate was here?

Ryan: I work for corporate now...

Michael: So…you’re the new Jan…?

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