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[Closed] Summer Contest Challenge #1: Northern Attackers Make a Scene
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Jun 9th 2007

Michael: There is an important lesson to be learned from what happened in accounting and … I think that a public apology will benefit the whole office. I’m sure everyone is aware that I’m a very physical person. When I’m happy, you know, high fives all over the place. When I’m proud of someone, I give that person a pat on the back.

Angela: With both hands?

Michael: No, Angela. I know that the accounting department has been working very hard to finish the annual report since I learned that the deadline was this Friday and not next Friday as I was led to believe. I simply wanted to show you how grateful I am … and since I’ve been told that I have the soothing hands of a Swedish masseuse.

Oscar: Who told you that, Michael?

Michael: Angela, I am … prepared to accept your apology.

Angela: My apology?

Michael: You slapped me, Angela. Not that it hurt…

Angela: You put your hands on me!

Michael: I was trying to make you feel good! Ryan used to rub my shoulders all the time. You never saw me … uppercut him through the window of my office!

Angela: In the future, I’d prefer a civilized “thank you” as opposed to a violent invasion of my personal space.

Michael: Okay, fine! Attention, Dunder Mifflin employees! This will no longer be an office where people show appreciation with their hands. From now on, we will only show appreciation with our mouths!

Jun 10th 2007

"Okay, everyone sit down," Michael said. Reluctantly, his employees settled themselves into their customary attitudes of despair. "Is this going to be long?" Stanley asked. "That's what she--no. Um. I just wanted to, um, clear the air over this recent ... mess." "You mean the fart?" Meredith said intently. "No! I...yes. I want to know who did that. In the kitchen. Where people eat. It was disgusting." "I can call the crime lab to bring their equipment in," Dwight said eagerly. "No! We don't need that. I just need whoever it was to step up and admit to what they did." "So you can punish them," Dwight said, eyes gleaming at the prospect. "Yes, but not really." Toby spoke up. "It's kind of a personal matter, Michael--" "It was you, wasn't it!" Michael said triumphantly. "No, it wasn't. But this isn't the appropriate--" "I was just in the kitchen," Pam said. "I didn't smell anything … bad." "Well, I did! It was disgusting! Whoever did that needs medical help!" "We should bring in a bloodhound," Dwight said. "They have the best sense of smell. They could smell the air in the kitchen and then track it to the person." "Wow, can they really do that?" Jim asked, surprised. He winked at Pam. She winked back. "Of course they can. Dogs have superior noses." "I don't get it," Creed said. "All I smelled in the kitchen was the mung bean taco that I was heating up."

Jun 10th 2007 edited
Michael:(yelling as he makes his way through his desk) "Where is it?! I just left it here..."
Pam:(looking over her desk)" Michael? What did you lose?"
Michael rushes out of his office.
Micheal: "I didn't lose anything. Someone stole it! Everyone in the conference room. Now!"
Pam (Talking Head): "Michael lost his favorite pen which he claims once belonged to Robin Williams."
Dwight rushes into the conference room as everyone lurks behind.
Michael: (Pacing back and forth before his workers) "OK, this will be a lot easier if the 'perp' just turns himself, (catching himself) OR herself in."
Angela: "Michael this is crazy. No one would go into your office to steal a stupid pen."
Michael: "It is not a stupid pen! It will probably be worth $10000 by next year..."
Jim: (half raising his hand) "$10000? That doesn't make sense at all. It couldn't be worth more tha-"
Michael: (cutting Jim off) That doesn't matter right now. I need that pen. Does anybody know who could have taken it?"
Stanley raises his hand looking down at his crossword puzzle.
Michael: "Ah, yes Stanley."
Stanley: (still looking down) What is a five letter word for 'lenient'?"
Michael: OK! That's it! No one's leaving this room until the robbererer confesses."
Jim: "Robbererer? I'm not sure that's a word."
Michael: "Well, it is now."
Jun 10th 2007

Michael: Okay folks, sit down and let me tell you why we're here. Jim: You covered that last week in a conference room meeting about the miracle of birth. Michael:, not that. We're here because we need to relearn a basic rule of inter-office personnel action behavior. No inappropriate touching. Kevin: What is inappropriate? Like, am I not allowed to send paper airplanes into Angela's hair when she's turned around anymore? Dwight: This is about something specific that happened in Michael's office today. He told me. Pam: What Michael? Did someone do something to you? Kelly: Hey, Ryan was in Michael's office today. Michael: Yes, well, I was just trying to shake his hand. Pam: And? Michael: And I was looking down at a file in my lap and reached out. He was standing in front of me and....I shook something else. Phyllis: My friends in high school were right about you. Michael: No they weren't Phyllis, this was an accident. And to make sure it never happens again, we had to have this meeting so that everyone understands boundaries. Ryan suggested it to Toby who suggested it to me. Toby: It wasn't really a suggestion Michael. Michael: You're right. I wouldn't take a suggestion from you. Jim: So in summary, don't touch a coworker's privates without permission. I think we all get that. Are we done? Michael: Yeah. Looks like it. Creed: Pretty soon we won't be allowed to breathe.

Jun 10th 2007
(Michael enters the office.)

Michael: All men in the office now! Let me rephrase: All males in the office now because Toby, this includes you. It probably was you…

(Cut to men’s meeting in office.)

Michael: OK, somebody here did something wrong and you must admit to it now, I won’t fire you if you come clean.

(Everyone looks around perplexed. After a minute of silence, Michael gets antsy)

Michael (quickly): Who wrote my cell phone number on the men’s room stall at the Black Stallion Cross-Dressing Lumberjack Gay Bar?!

(Everyone begins giggling)

Michael: Toby? …Oscar? ... Anyone else? I know it’s someone in this room, because only you and 43 other people on my list have my number. (holds up a list)

(Jim looks at camera with a quirky smile)

Toby: Michael, I don’t think anyone here…

Michael interrupts: Shush Toby! You are prime suspect number one, and if Dwight was here and not picking up my laundry I would have him analyze your writing, your heartbeat, and your pupil size – just like in that new Ocean’s movie.

(Cut to talking head of Darryl)

Darryl: Michael gave me his number to put on the “Do not call list” last year. I saved it. We have been taking turns calling him this week from the payphone in the parking lot.
Jun 10th 2007

Michael: We’re here to discuss a little tape that some of you may have seen…

Stanley: We all saw it, Michael. You showed it to us.

Michael: Shuuuut…accidentally, ok? No one made you keep lookin’…[under his breath] perv.

[Stanley rolls his eyes]

Pam [TH]: Ever since someone flashed Phyllis in the parking lot, Dwight’s been implementing stricter security measures. Yesterday, he installed security cameras in the elevators. And today, the office watched the tape. Together.

Michael: I think the real issue here is that the elevators should not be used for…that. Phyllis, you know what I’m talking about. And could you please pass that message along to Bob Vance…Vance Refrigeration.

Toby: Michael, I think the real issue here is that you showed a security tape to your entire staff. I’m pretty sure that constitutes some kind of invasion of privacy…

Michael: Well, you would know all about privacy, wouldn’t you, Toby? Because you’re alone.

[Toby gives the camera a dejected look]

Phyllis: Michael, I want that tape.

Michael: Why, so you can add it to your movie collection, Paris? [smiling, to camera] Hilton. ‘Cause of the sex tape.

Phyllis: We were just kissing.

Michael: Blech, yeah, I know…no one wants to see that.

Michael [TH]: You know whose fault this is, really? Phyllis’. And I’m sorry if a grown woman can’t kiss her own husband in an elevator on the way to work. Seriously, it’s disgusting.

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