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[Closed] Summer Contest Challenge #4: Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme...
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Jun 25th 2007 edited

This week's challenge is submitted by our own ferd farkel. Thanks, ferd, for contributing to the contest!

write a limerick about any character or characters from the show.

Challenge details:

  • if you do add a title, the verse should be just as clear without it. in other words, if understanding your verse depends on the reader knowing that the character is short, blond and snippy and you can't work it into the verse, you shouldn't use the title to add that piece of information
  • multi-stanza limericks are fine

Judging criteria:

Responses are to be evaluated on the following:

  1. Overall impact
  2. True to characters
  3. Appropriate to challenge prompt
  4. Creativity


  • Deadline for submitting entry #4 is midnight PST, Sunday, July 1
  • Voting for challenge #4 begins Monday, July 2
  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to contest description thread for questions/discussion.
  • No Editing Allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check word count (250 word max) and content before posting.
  • Please review contest description for other details.
Jun 26th 2007

Office Romantics

There once was a young salesman named Jim,
Who loved a receptionist as much as she loved him.
They were kept from each other by the threat of another,
Until Pam ran through fire on a whim.

An accountant named Oscar caused such a big mess,
Dwight thought that he might wear a dress.
He does things to a dude that some might think rude,
And was forced by his boss to confess.

There once was a beet farmer named Dwight,
Who loved an accountant even though it wasn't right.
It was like squishing a spider when he laid down beside her,
You didn't want to look but you might.

Bob Vance will hug and kiss and squeeze her,
He'll do anything to please her.
Phyliss was called "Easy Rider" till Bob knelt down beside her,
And gave her a ring as big as a freezer.

With lovely Jan, Michael didn't have a clue,
She made him do things that he didn't wanna do.
He wouldn't even phone her, till her job gave'm a boner,
And that's what she said, Catch-22.

Jun 26th 2007

It's All in the Bait

Receptionists of Dunder-Mifflin
appear sometimes just to sit wishin'.
Feet medium rare may
not tuna ensnare but
a yogurt lid reels the big fish in.

Jun 27th 2007

Fertile Ground

There was once an old rocker named Creed
Roots of grass grew a head full of weed
Though his gard’ning skills scant
(He was no Robert Plant)
Quite adept at the sowing of seed


The receptionist blooms like a rose
More complete as her confidence grows
Strengthened by the manure
That the wrong guy did to’er
Now she’s ready to wrestle with Mose


The elite greenhouse-raised pompous Drew
Had an ego that grew and it grew
With no room for his brain
Cornell’s loss: no one’s gain
Leagues of ivy bought nary a clue


Up on Schrute farm the harvest of beet
Was attended by someone petite
After slaving all day
Possom still said he’d play
Monkey business was thus short and sweet


One day Scott found a new plant to buy
An exotic he’d wanted to try
Soon a nightmare became
When he found out her name
It was Venus and he was the fly

Jun 27th 2007

Toby stands up and toasts
Michael retorts with a "roast"
Pam's eyes will roll
Because Michael ain't droll
While Jim continues to coast.

Phyllis' new name is Vance
Phlob is the real romance
They string us along
With the Jam dance-and-song
But Phyllis pounced on her chance.

Creed's still on Kesey's bus
His character is hard to suss
He must love the Dude
Can now eat cold food
You're not real, man!

Jun 27th 2007


After punching the wall he was "Drew".
No falsetto, nice to Jim, and Dwight, too.
Even Shunned, not a pest,
'Til the Manager test;
Season 4: Andy WILL come unglued.

Pink the color, Pink the person, all her faves.
Boys, Celebs, Fashion–all these get raves.
But her FAVORITE, we know,
Just announced he would go.
Season 4: Kapoor looks for new mate.

Mrs. Vance is of model employ.
Good on calls, likes to knit, has her boy.
What could be next?
For the happiest set?
Season 4: Grow family tree, add joy?

Stanleys don't grown on trees, that's no shock.
It's all about the bonus, and the points-Run out the clock.
And his Nickels, no doubt,
Trump those bucks of Schrute's, wow.
Season 4: More crosswords, that's a lock.

Jun 28th 2007

There once was a lady called Pam,
Whose engagement was sometimes called Ram.
A salesman was pining,
Their rooftop dining
He wished not was grilled cheese, but 'twas Jam

Jun 28th 2007

A Scrantonian Ballad

In a magical town near Wilkes-Barre
Princess Pam chose no longer to tarry
For when push came to shove
She had to win back her love
So her and Sir James could be married

From her ivory (and ebony) tower
She schemed how to shrink Karen’s power
“I know!” she said
“With my sweater of red,
“And yuletide pranks he’ll be mine in the hour.”

Alas, for it was not to be!
Obstacles crashed like the waves from the sea
The former bethrothed
(Whom everyone quite loathed)
Ruined all hope or so it would seem.

Who says the future’s determined by fate?
There came a coal walk and Pam took the bait
A revelation long due
Sir James took his cue
He proclaimed, “Alright. Then…it’s a date.”

And thus ends our tale of fair Pam,
Sir James, and a land known as Am
Good cheer and bright laughter
With a happily e’er after
Makes the story as tasty as Jam!

Jun 28th 2007

Ode to a Missing Marjorie

Where exactly has Marjorie gone?
The conclusion can’t be clearly drawn
Her past existence ignored
Can’t that be explored?
Writers—I won’t be your pawn!

I don’t even know how it’s spelled
To subtitles I’ve been compelled
Theirs ends -G-E-R-Y
But I’m giving “jorie” a try
Their Jim-called-Joe thing has me repelled

Did she start her own company like Miles?
Or get caught stealing proprietory files?
Could be she gave Michael flak
So he sent her to the back
With Toby, Ryan and other exiles

Maybe when asking the documentary crew
What royalties she’d expect to accrue
Seized with a fit of caprice
She refused to sign their release
And they filmed around her as well as could do

Perhaps she’s temporarily out
In Australia, mate, on a walkabout.
On an Oscar-esque gaycation,
Or at Prince (Sandals, but Haitian)
Still, you think she’d give her officemates a shout

Conspiracy theories abound
Some crazy enough to astound
She’s on an alien ship;
In an evil ninja’s grip…
Wait, that’s only when Dwight is around

We never knew her as we thought we should
Which makes me think she’s gone for good
With no character development
Just NAers wonder where she went
The writers cut her, ‘cause she was dead wood

My final conclusion, my friends:
It doesn’t matter how the Marjorie thing ends
Though they left us in the lurch
This show’s tricky to besmirch
For JAM forever Marjorie trancends

Jun 28th 2007

Roy Anderson is an ass.
He really has no class.
When he trashed the bar,
He pushed it too far
And showed he's just a piece of frass.

Jun 28th 2007

Receptionist with hair colored red
Spent the last year alone in her bed
While her salesman went yonder
Two rejections to ponder
Dismissed by the nod of her head

In Connecticut he found a lass
No Pam but he figured she’d pass
Or so he told himself
Putting true love upon a shelf
Til returning to Scranton at last

Tension mounted, emotions ran high
Awaiting the return of her guy
He arrived with a starlet
A glorified harlot
A bit of our heroine died

Hugs and an offer of coffee
A shrug and a no spoken softly
This couldn’t end well
even Michael could tell
Who knew it could get so ugly?

Relapsing with Roy seemed a stretch
What a cad! What an oaf! What a wretch!
But look who’s leaving
With our maiden grieving
So far from a heaven made match

On darker days she’d recall
Flonkerton, swaying, hateball
Pranks played on Dwight
A kiss on Casino Night
An unexpected, after-work call

A second chance finally arose
To leave behind all of his woes
His heart broken twice
Forget Michael’s advice
Give up, Jim. You tried, heaven knows.

So into the city he went
with the girl who mistook his intent
Their love was a sham
For she was no Pam
But all of his passion was spent

Until Wallace asked for his figures
A yogurt lid memories did trigger
The note that she planted
said true love’s in Scranton
It’s a good job, but Pam’s love is bigger.

Jun 29th 2007

Pranks Make the World Go Round

There once was a game of jinx, That unflinchingly stalled in a pinch, She gave him a dollar, So that he would bother, But feelings aren’t always a cinch.

Jim put the stapler in Jello, He knew it belonged to that fellow, When Michael found out, It was funny, no doubt, But Dwight was so mad that he bellowed.

Dunder-Mifflin’s saleman of year, Did not want to attend out of fear, Jim helped him along, Mussolini was strong, But instead Dwight received a big cheer.

There once was a bango-clad distraction, Who thought he would like to get action, He asked her to play, Frolf was his forte, And despite all he thought “Great connection.”

Jun 29th 2007

MGS, 3.1 - 3.7

“Oscar’s ‘faggie’ for not liking Die Hard?
You can’t say that. He’s gay.” – “Whoa! That’s too far.”
“No really, he’s gay.”
“Are you kidding? No way!”
Cuz’ “You don’t call retarded people ‘retards.’”

At a ‘booze-fueled sex romp’/‘convention,’
One can work on employee retention,
“Does Josh rock your world?
Cuz I have two girls.”
“Michael, it’s not a competition.”

Dwight is encouraged by the office witch,
So he meets with his boss’s ex-lover-ish,
‘A dentist named Crentist?
Turns out that’s invented,
So what does Scott say? “Hug it out, bitch.”

Michael’s old boss has just died.
His cappa was detated from his hide,
Souls kicked in the crotch,
Office grieving all botched,
Let us bury this dead bird outside.

Work sucks, but it’s Pretzel Day right?
Not for Ryan, he’s stranded with Dwight,
Pam’s got a new sweater,
Creed likes it much better,
Sugar crash! Michael’s out for the night.

Diwali is the Hindu Halloween,
‘Monkey’ thinks her union is obscene,
Michael has proposed,
His relationship is hosed,
But at least Pam looks un-slutty. - “Was that mean?”

Dunder Mifflin Scranton is screwed.
Jan breaks the news, and she’s rude.
In order to rhyme,
And to save myself time,
Dwight’s last name should have been ‘Schrewd.’

Jun 29th 2007

There's a receptionist in Scranton named Pam
If she asked "Am I awesome?" you'd say "Yes Ma'am!"
She's as cute as a bug
You always want to give her a hug
And when you see her in a Red Sweater you'll say "God Damn!"

Jun 29th 2007

A beet grower named Dwight
got caught in a fight
between his lover and mother.
Neither would forgive the other.
There's a new Mrs. Schrute tonight.

Jun 29th 2007

There once was a couple named Jam.
The gamut their obstacles ran.
But like light from above,
the gift of their love
is even more precious than ham.

Some may deny they're together
and claim Karen's still tied to Jim's tether.
But those people can shove it
cuz' denial? I love it.
Jim and Pam are now happy ever after.

But even if Jaren's still talking,
Jim will soon send her walking.
It's not a big mystery
that Karen is history.
It's a fact just like Michael said "Hawkman".

Jun 29th 2007

The Accountants

He had a health scare on Mike's birthday
Tests were negative, which means OK
And those anal fissures
Got him some well wishers
Hoping Kevin's all better one day

Better hope all goes without a hitch
'Cuz she'll get irate if there's a glitch
With her stern demeanor
It's really no wonder
Creed said Angela's the office bitch

Caught faking sick with a shopping bag
Detective Dwight missed a bigger snag
But Mike let the word out
What's all the fuss about?
Big deal if Oscar's a... private guy

Jun 29th 2007

Jim seeks a life of love weathered
Ryan, that a yardstick can measure
The difference is seen
In a gold foil sheen
One man's trash is another man's treasure

Jun 29th 2007
Jim looked at her message which said
Don't forget the life that you've led
While only a note
It made him emote
And gave life to a heart that was dead
Jun 29th 2007 edited
There are two in the Office, it's true.
They are quiet, and one likes to moo.
That one would be Dwight,
He's clearly a sight,
And he grew up on a farm or two.

The other one, she likes babies in costumes.
She wears sweaters in petites, and if I've lost you,
A cat in a hat,
Well, she'd surely like that!
And her name is Angela – now that's a clue!

These two are together, or so it would seem.
Secret footage reveals their secret gleam.
How far have they gone?
Oh no, it's all wrong!
No one knows what they do in soliloquy!
Jun 30th 2007

27 seconds of silence is a long time.
What was he thinking? He was no mime.
Then she said, "I can't"
And that was that.
6 months in Stamford to punish her for her crime.

Coins in a vending machine; a nickel a dime.
A "You'll find your way back to him; it will be fine".
But then she said, "I did it for you."
He replied with an "It's a date, too."
Now we know Season 4 will be sublime.

Jun 30th 2007

There once was a salesman named Stan
A rather indifferent man
In meetings he'll frown
Fill in 14-Down
And zone out as best as he can.

There's one thing that brings him some cheer
And brightens his humdrum career:
He flies like a quetzal
To get to the pretzel
That holds him the rest of the year.

Jun 30th 2007

The Other, Other Woman

A beautiful girl with red hair
To the office once came selling wares
Each man made a pass
At the lovely young lass
But t’was Jim that she found the most fair

Jim gave the girl some attention
But while dating her forgot to mention
He loved no one; exception -
Pam B, in reception
To have her was his sole intention

Jim took the girl on a cruise
And while on it, gave her some bad news.
"Let’s break up. It’s over".
(Now I’ll tell Pam I love her)
But then Roy set the date for "I do’s".

Poor Jim was feeling quite rough
This heartbreak was some painful stuff
But his mood changed that day
When he heard Michael say
"Never, don’t ever give up."

The "hot girl" had no staying power
We saw her for barely an hour
We knew it wasn't right
Now Pam’s in the spotlight
So it’s Jim’s turn to wow her

Jul 1st 2007

i would... by jim

if only the truth could turn her head
i’d unmasked this man she stoops to wed
i’d lose her or worse
to save her the curse
of a receptionist’s life mis-lead

if only a nap on a shoulder
could show her how gently i’d hold her
i’d wake her with “see!?..”
but, then that would be
exactly what he would have told her

if only her laughter held sway
i’d box up poor dwight each day
then me she’d think of
and giggle her love
as we pam ponged our lives away

if only a gift would suffice
i’d buy every teapot twice
she’d sip from her tea
as thoughts curl to me
for that, sir, just name any price

if only she’d know from a look
that cruise would be all that it took
my face, a page wrote
with wordless love note,
page one in a very long book

if only a kiss could win her
stealing hand and heart within her
i’ve tried all that though
and now i don’t know...

phyllis winks “just ask her to dinner”

Jul 1st 2007

The once was an isle called UK
And from it came a show then movie
It was very witty,
but ended so quickly
But wait, theres more to the story!

A new chapter was just ahead
With a new country the show would wed
Here in the US
We would soon be blessed
No more CSI! The Office instead!

The set to work on their show
Making character we would soon know
Parts were cast
Blessings were passed
The Brits said "Good Job, 'It's a Go!'"

A few years have now past
Since the compiling of this great cast
We do love them all
Through laughs, tears and gaul
Clearly they've made something to last

Indeed the show is much fun!
For all our hearts they have won
So raise up a glass
For present, future and past
Here here! good job, well done!

Jul 1st 2007

There are many who’ve come through the door,
And treaded the carpeted floor,
Of that small paper biz.
But see, my point is,
There are some we forget and ignore.

Mr. Brown, the diversity guy,
Who just needed Mike to comply.
Instead he got stuck,
With a scrawled “Daffy Duck,”
Then left without saying goodbye.

And who could forget Captain Jack?
Who had for booze cruisin’ a knack.
While everyone’s drinking,
Mike says, “The ship’s sinking!”
So Cap’n tied him to the deck.

Mike burned his foot on a grill-y.
That’s how we met Wheelchair Billy.
He stayed out of sight,
‘Til Casino Night,
With his girlfriend-slash-waitress from Chili’s.

And Madge, the East German gal,
Was not quite a femme fatale.
But Mike shouldn’t judge,
By calling her Pudge.
It’s not very good for morale.

Michael felt threatened by Hunter.
About this he couldn’t have been blunter.
His actions betrayed,
That he was afraid,
That Jan’s new assistant would want her.

So next time you’re watching the show,
That we all so well-love and well-know,
Remember the guys,
Whose roles may not reprise,
And the guest stars from long, long ago.

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