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[Closed] Summer Contest Challenge #7: That's What They Said
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Jul 16th 2007 edited

Nathan, NA Moderator and longtime contributor of wit and wisdom, has posed this week's challenge:

Ascribe an Office quote (or, for an added degree of difficulty, an exchange between multiple characters) to a historical figure, non-Office fictional character, celebrity, etc., adding any necessary notes (links are OK) to explain the context.

Feel free to make slight modifications to the text of the quote that are appropriate to the context (for example: ellipses, eliminating/changing a name, etc.) but be sure to keep the quote essentially accurate.

Sample entry:

"It's pretty simple. Look at what I'm doing, and go tell somebody it."
--Jesus addressing his disciples

Additional specifications: (added 19 July)*

Recommended: Use multiple quotes only if they are part of the same scene or speech. The use of more than one scene/speech/speaker not connected to eachother is discouraged. Attributing the same quote to more than one speaker is allowed. Multiple quotes by the same speaker are also allowed. Any entries posted prior to this clarification (19 July 1:30 pm PST) are not to be penalized in any way and should be judged on their own merit.

Judging criteria:

Responses are to be evaluated on the following:

  1. Overall impact
  2. True to characters
  3. Appropriate to challenge prompt
  4. Creativity

Reminders:

  • Deadline for submitting entry #7 is midnight PST, Sunday, July 22
  • Voting for challenge #7 begins Monday, July 22
  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to the contest description thread for questions/discussion.
  • No Editing Allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check word count (250 word max) and content before posting.
  • Please review contest description for other details.
Jul 16th 2007

"That's what she said?"
--Louis XVI, late 18th century.

Jul 16th 2007

"Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'."
--Conrad Hilton, after his divorce to Elizabeth Taylor

Also said by:
--Michael Wilding, after his divorce to Elizabeth Taylor
--Eddie Fisher, after his divorce to Elizabeth Taylor
--Richard Burton, after his first divorce to Elizabeth Taylor
--Richard Burton, after his second divorce to Elizabeth Taylor
--John Warner, after his divorce to Elizabeth Taylor
--Larry Fortensky, after his divorce to Elizabeth Taylor

Jul 16th 2007

Bottle of Jack Daniels: Wow, so you just dive right in, huh?
Lindsay Lohan: You know, around age 12 I just started going for it.

Jul 16th 2007

"They're trying to make me ... an escape-goat."

Richard M. Nixon, White House recordings, 1973

Jul 17th 2007

Reverend Jerry Falwell: "Green is whorish." (addressing rumors that they may be introducing a new, green Teletubbie on the PBS series).

Reverend Jerry Falwell: "Orange is whorish, too." (addressing the concept that the Teletubbie creators decided to change the new character's color from green to orange).

Jul 17th 2007

Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other rangers? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.
--Chuck Norris

Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.
--Chuck Norris, shortly before the bad guy gets a round-house kick to the face.

I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him…I went medieval on his heinie.
–-Chuck Norris, shortly after the bad guy gets a round-house kick to the face.

Jul 17th 2007

"You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy!"
--Ted "Theodore" Logan

"Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
--Bill S. Preston Esq.

Jul 17th 2007

"Your advise was good, but Pam's was bigger."
-Tommy Lee, when telling Heather Locklear he's getting remarried.

Jul 17th 2007

"Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea genes."
-Smokey the Bear

"Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."
-Benedict Arnold

Jul 18th 2007

HARRY: A lot of people think that Hogwarts is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um... really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic.

HARRY: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Harry the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Goyle giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
HERMIONE: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
HARRY: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
RON: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
HARRY: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
RON: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
HARRY: No. Alright, just... This is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Harry spits out key, Malfoy covers it with his foot.]
HARRY: AHHHH!
HERMIONE: Is everything ok, Harry?
HARRY: Yes.

HARRY: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Jul 18th 2007

From the Archives of the DCist Overheard Web Page

January 20, 1993
Pennsylvania Avenue

Husband: I don’t want to do your laundry anymore.
Wife: We can talk about that.

Jul 18th 2007

"I feel so … tingly. So strangely powerful."

Hillary Rodham Clinton upon announcing her candidacy for president

Jul 18th 2007

"I know a ton of fourteen-year-old girls."

--R.Kelly

Jul 19th 2007

"I feel a little underdressed. But at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right?"

American Idol finalist, responding to criticism from the judges

Jul 19th 2007

Ken Lay: "Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is to call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you...If the press wants a story, we'll give them a story."

Jeffrey Skilling: "Oh, did the press ask for a story?

Ken Lay: "Here is your headline: 'Houston Area Energy Company Apologizes To Valued Client. Some Companies Still Know How Business Is Done.”

Jul 19th 2007

"Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never."

Original lyrics to a popular song written by Don Henley of The Eagles during a brief, but crippling bout of writers block.

Jul 19th 2007

"So is the question how'd I get to be so awesome?" --God

Jul 19th 2007

"Don't 'Monkey' me; you can't wait to get out of here."

-Dian Fossey, directed to Bob Campbell

Jul 21st 2007

"Hey, Clapton! Keep an eye on her, all right?"
-George Harrison, referring to Pattie Boyd

Jul 22nd 2007

Hey, I want to say something. I miss you. And now we’re not even friends. And things are just like weird between us. You were my best friend… I really miss you. I shouldn’t have been with Lorena. And now you’re with someone else, and that sucks. It’s … whatever. That’s not what I’m … I’m not … okay I really hurt. The thing that I’m just trying to say to you, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you. Okay, I am gonna go into surgery now. Yeah, not a good day…

-John Wayne Bobbitt before reattachment, June 1993

Jul 22nd 2007

I am a ball player, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime baseball hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my game, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.

-John Rocker on going to sensitivity training

Jul 22nd 2007

"I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter."

--Henry Aaron

Jul 22nd 2007

Elizabeth: Hey.
Mr. Darcy: Hey, how’s it going?
Elizabeth: Good. Especially after I took all your money in whist.
Mr. Darcy: Yeah. Uh … hey, uh, can I talk to you about something?
Elizabeth: About when you want to give me more of your ten thousand a year?
Mr. Darcy: No, I …
Elizabeth: Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I’m feeling kind of good tonight.
Mr. Darcy: I was just … um … I’m in love with you.
Elizabeth: What?
Mr. Darcy: I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing. I know that, I just …
Elizabeth: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Mr. Darcy: I just needed you to know. Once.
Elizabeth: Well, I um … I … I can’t?
Mr. Darcy: Yeah.
Elizabeth: You have no idea…
Mr. Darcy: Don’t do that.
Elizabeth: … what your acquaintance means to me.
Mr. Darcy: C’mon. I don’t want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Elizabeth: I can’t. I’m really sorry … if you misinterpreted things. It’s probably my fault.
Mr. Darcy: Not your fault. I’m sorry I misinterpreted, uh, our acquaintance.
-Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 34, if Jane Austen were alive today

Jul 22nd 2007

“do you want to form an alliance with me?”

“absolutely, i do.”

(to which the justice of the peace replied, “i now pronounce you mr. and mrs. william jefferson clinton)

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