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[Closed] SUMMER HIATUS 08 CONTEST WEEK #3: CONGRATULATIONS, NARD-WIPE!
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Jun 16th 2008

This week's prompt is brought to us by griefbone, one of last year's contest winners.


Prompt:

There's been a lot of talk about a spinoff of The Office lately, even if no characters are actually going to be spun into the new show. For the sake of the prompt, however, Andy has been chosen to head up a new branch of Dunder-Mifflin. Michael gets to tell him the big news . . . that he's moving back to Ithaca as a Regional Manager. Write the scene(s) where Michael tells Andy, and Andy reacts.

Format: Writing

For this one, we are kicking it old school and are only accepting written submissions.

Parameters:

  • Limited to 250 words.
  • Other characters can be in the office during the scene, if you so desire.
  • Feel free to include "talking heads."
  • Everything is as it was at the end of "Goodbye, Toby," unless you decide Ryan's position has been filled.

Judging Criteria:

Responses are to be evaluated on the following:

1) Overall impact
2) True to characters
3) Appropriate to challenge prompt
4) Creativity

Reminders:

  • Deadline for submitting entry #3 is 10 pm EST on Sunday, June 22.

  • Voting for challenge #3 begins Monday, June 23.

  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to the general contest thread for questions/discussion.

  • No editing allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check your entry in the general contest thread before posting it in this thread.

  • Please review contest description for other details.


You guys are going to kick butt on this prompt. How do I know this? Because you guys have something no one else has: your brains. Which you can use to your advantage, when advantageous.

Good Luck!

Jun 16th 2008

Conference room. Everyone is sitting except for Dwight, Jim, Phyllis, Stanley, and Andy, who are standing in a line, and Michael, who is standing separately and looks really excited.

Michael: All Dunder Mifflin Scranton salespeople, please take one step forward.

A few glances are shared between them, then they begin to do so.

Michael: Not so fast, Andy!

Michael's face can barely contain his smile. Andy's face goes pale.

Michael: Anyone want to guess why?

Meredith: Because of all that damn singing?

Creed: The fish on his desk, which are going to waste?

Phyllis: Because he got engaged to one of his fellow employees, one who didn't disclose her relationship to HR?

Angela covers her eyes with her hand.

Michael: No, no, and no. It's because Dunder Mifflin is opening a branch in Ithaca, NY, and Andy is going to be the regional manager!

Andy dances obnoxiously for a moment.

Besides some groans, there is little other reaction.

Andy (Singing):
“I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through
[I am the champion], my friends”

Andy tries to high five several people, but only Michael high fives him.

Andy (TH): The late Cornell professor Carl Sagan once said, “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” I wonder what incredible thing is next for me.

Angela (TH): I've made a huge mistake.

Jun 16th 2008

Michael has just gotten off the phone. He comes out of his office.

Michael: Andy and Angela, I'd like to see you up here right now.

Andy eagerly makes his way to the front. He waits awkwardly for Angela to make her way to the front. She doesn't move.

Angela: No. You can tell me as I sit here.

Andy goes to Angela to convince her to goto the front. He eventually just rolls her chair to the front.

Michael: Now, Andy and Angela, by the power invested in me by Dunder Mifflin, I pronounce you Regional Manager of Ithaca and future wife of Regional Manager of Ithaca!

Andy begins to celebrate. The rest of the office offers a hearty golf clap.

Andy: Yay, Angela! You can finally see my old dorm! And where I sang in my first a cappella gig! Oh, and where I perfected my frolf game! We can teach our kids frolf on the famous back nine of the Cornell Disc Golf Club Course overlooking Cayuga Lake. And...

Angela: I’m not moving to Ithaca. How could you apply for the job without telling me?

The office quickly quits clapping.

Andy: I didn't apply. They just called me up last week, and I thought it'd be a surprise!

Cut to Dwight TH.

Dwight: I'm really surprised Angela reacted that way. I thought sending in Andy's resumé for the job would be a great wedding gift. Odd.

Dwight smirks.

Jun 17th 2008

Michael and Andy in Michael's office.

Michael: Andy. Rooney. I don't want to rant here, but I need 60 Minutes of your time.
Andy: Ok.
Michael: Word association. Ready?

Michael TH: Word association is a great way for someone to stop being polite and start getting real. It gets them to talk without thinking. And that’s how I live my life.

Andy: Let's do this.
Michael: Tree.
Andy: Bonsai.
Michael: Ithaca.
Andy: Cornell.
Michael: Wrong. Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy: What?
Michael: Andy, Ithaca Regional Manager. Congratulations. Know that you'll miss us.

beat

Andy: (singing) Mama, I'm coming home!
Michael: All right.

Andy heads to Angela.

Andy: Angela, guess what?
Angela: I'm busy.
Andy: We're moving! To Ithaca!
Kevin: Isn't that where you went to school?
Angela: No.
Andy: Are you kidding me?! This is our dream!

Andy TH: Angela's . . . difficult. She likes to play cat and mouse. Well, guess what? I’m Jerry, and she’s Tom.

Andy stands, returns to her.

Andy: Angela, this is serious. This isn’t like when I fell in the lake. We can start our life together. No one cares you didn’t attend Cornell.
Angela: No. I can't.
Andy: Ithaca and I are a package. Do you even want to marry me?

Dwight smiles.

Angela TH: I can’t leave. I have roots here.

Ithaca Branch:

Andy TH: Ithaca is awesome! I totally forgot about co-eds! 18 and over. I checked. The Scranton mouse has remorphed into the Nard-dog. Also, Angela won’t return my calls.

Jun 17th 2008 edited

A note from the CPC: Unfortunately, this entry is disqualified from voting for exceeding the stated word count limit. Votes for this entry cannot be counted. Please send questions/comments to dmpaperco@gmail.com.

Michael: Conference room everyone, five minutes! …

Michael: Andy please stand up here with me. As you all know, I like to think of myself as the creator of this workplace. And I have tried to take you all up from the dust and blow life into you in my own image. Jim (raising his hand): Sorry, so in this metaphor, you’re God? Michael: Yes I am. Angela: That's blasphemous. You can’t just -- Michael: Fine, fine, I'm not God. But I am like a Father to you all, sort of like I'm going to be for Jan's baby. Kelly: I thought she was artificially inseminated. You know you're sort of like Luke Wilson in that movie with Drew Barrymore where she had the red hair and she was pregnant with his father's baby ... Michael: No, no, it's not like that, I'm the father, but I ... [flustered] Congratulations Andy Bernard, you will be the new Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Ithaca! Andy: Michael, wow! I have so many people to thank! Angela, come up here. Angela: No. …

Andy TH: Things with Angela are great. She's not wearing the ring because she's allergic to platinum.

(1 month later, Andy's at his desk.)

Andy TH: Yes, I'm back from Ithaca. Let's just say that a certain alumni Bill, let's call him "the science guy", and I had a bit of a throw down by Lake Caluga during Dragon Week. And he may have fallen prey to a chemical reaction. Anyway, turns out I'm not allowed within fifteen miles of campus. But good news is, I did run into my old college girlfriend. She's a journalist now. What? Oh, her name? Ann, Ann Coulter. …

Ryan at Ithaca: This really couldn't have come at a better time.

Jun 18th 2008

Michael has gathered the office employees in the conference room. They are in mid-discussion.

Kevin: Amazon women from another planet have come to take over. Huge Amazon women… with huge Amazon breasts. ooh…

Jim: Just curious, what interest would Amazon women have in a paper company, Kev?”

Dwight: None. That is ridiculous. However, most people have failed to recognize the risk taken by our suppliers in automating their paper mills with robotics. Idiots. Now, it’s only a matter of time until the uprising.

Michael: Dwight… shutt… ok, people, when I said to think of the weirdest thing that could happen at Dunder Mifflin, I meant something…

Kelly: More real, right? Like could really happen? What if that dreamy guy Ozzie from Survivor won the million dollars and bought Dunder Mifflin? That would be… so awesome.

Phyllis: Or David Cook. I think he’s a hottie. And so talented.”

Jim: Stanley, you look like more of an Archuleta man, am I right?

Stanley: hmph.

Oscar: Reality shows are offensively bourgeois.

Michael (exasperated): Ok! Nevermind. Andy—you’re the new Regional Manager for the Ithaca Branch. I know. What the hell are they thinking. Meeting adjourned.

Andy (with fistpump): Yesss!

Andy does the chicken dance. Angela squirms uncomfortably in her seat. Dwight is crestfallen and follows Michael, head down. Jim and Pam look at each other, mouths open, dumbstruck. Creed leans back and smiles.

Creed talking head:

Yeah, I pulled some strings. I know people.

(looks side to side and whispers): Chair number three—mine.

Jun 18th 2008

DM Scranton, Michael’s office.

Michael [TH]: It’s a sad and happy day – sappy, you could say – in the Scranton DM family. Our own Andrew Bernard, the Nard-Dog, is leaving us to become a father of his own DM family in Ithaca. It’s like when my dad left and started a new family in Wilkes-Barre, only I think I’ll see get to Andy again because of our regional manager meetings every year.

Camera focuses on Andy’s desk, where he’s busy posting on the Cornell Alumni Facebook group.

Andy [TH]: Nowadays, you’re only as cool as the kids. Since the kids are all using this Facebook thing, I have my own profile. “The Nard-Dog: Cornell grad, class of 2001.” You can teach an old dog - excuse me, Nard-Dog - new tricks. Of course, people don't know who "Nard-Dog" is...

Michael steps out of his office and clears his throat dramatically.

Michael: Sir Andrew Bernard, I hereby appoint you the new Regional Manager...

Dwight: [shouting] Michael, no! You do NOT have the authority to do this! You cannot…I’ll call Ryan.

Michael: [annoyed, shaking head] No…Dwight. Shutttt it. Andy is going to be the new Regional Manager at the recently created Ithaca branch. [exasperated] Do you see what you did? You ruined the supensory element of this!

Andy: Right on! My man! [fist bumps Michael, then breaks into song] “I’m-a leavin’ in my Priiiiius, gonna be the boss in Ithicaaa…”

Cut to a barely-composed Angela.

Angela [TH]: Why does God hate me? WHY?

Jun 19th 2008

Michael has called an unscheduled meeting and the entire staff is in the conference room.

Michael: Everyone, I have very exciting news. As everyone knows, Dunder-Mifflin is opening a new branch in Ithaca, New York, and the new branch manager will be none other than our very own Andy Bernard!

Andy: (jumps up and heads to the front of the room) Yes! Whoo-hoo! Thank you, Michael, I could not have achieved this lofty position without your guidance.

Michael: Well, thank you Andy. You are correct.

(Michael talking head): They say the sign of a good manager is when his employees leave so they can be managers. First Karen, and now Andy. People always want to leave this branch. And that makes me very proud.

(back to the conference room)

Andy: I am going to put together a kick-ass team in Ithaca! Who’s coming with me!

Michael: Uh, no one. No one is leaving this branch to go to Ithaca.

Andy: Except my Buttercup. Angela, are you excited about going to Ithaca with me?

Angela: I’m not going to Ithaca with you. In fact, I don’t even like you and I don’t want to marry you. We’re breaking up and I’m staying in Scranton.

Angela stalks out, leaving Andy stunned.

(Andy talking head): I am angry but I will not let the grumpies get to me. I’m doing my breathing exercises and I will slowly repeat my calm word just like I learned in anger management class: Tranquility. Tranquility. Tranquility.

Jun 19th 2008

Michael (stepping out of his office): Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make. I’ve just been informed that a regional manager for our new Dunder-Mifflin Ithaca branch has been chosen. Congratulations… dadadadadadadadadada… Andy Bernard!

Andy (barely able to control his excitement): Thank you! Wow, thank you, everyone. I’d say I’m surprised but I did go to Cornell so I think we all knew this was coming. I am happy to accept this position. My lovely bride-to-be, Angela, and I will be very happy in Ith…

Before Andy can finish his sentence, Dwight jumps up in a fit of rage and leaps at Andy, punching him in the nose.

Dwight: You’re not taking my woman!

Andy: The hell I’m not!

Andy picks up a chair and breaks it over Dwight’s head.

Angela: Stop this right now!

Phyllis: Oh, shut up and go to hell, Angela!

Phyllis then grabs Angela by the hair and slams her knee into Angela’s face. Seeing this, Dwight whips out a throwing star from his belt and throws it in Phyllis’s direction. It brushes by Phyllis only to become lodged in Stanley’s forehead.

Stanley (casually looking up from his crossword): Why do you keep involving me in fights that have nothing to do with me? returns to his crossword

Andy (to Phyllis): Leave my beloved alone!

Michael (pulling out a triton from his office): Don’t make me use this people!

Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis’s head with a chainsaw! (pauses) THAT was an overreaction…

Jun 19th 2008

Michael - TH: Again, my prowess as a talent developer is proved. One of my offspring, Andrew Bernard, has been named regional manager in Ithaca. Is this recognition of Andy’s talent and hard work? Not really. He’s kind of an idiot and doesn’t work all that hard, mostly just hangs around annoying the accountants. Is this recognition of my superior management? Well, Andy will be Dunder Mifflins’s highest paid RM. You tell me.

Angela: I don’t care. A week with your parents sounds nauseating.

Andy: But there’s a bidet.

Angela sneers

Michael: Everyone, I have an announcement. Andy, somebody up there likes you.

Andy: God?

Michael: Of course not. laughs Corporate. You got the Ithaca branch.

Andy: The conquering hero returns home. And conquers it.

Angela leers at Dwight

Michael: You start Monday.

Andy: I won’t let you down.

Michael: You can’t because I don’t—

Jim: Question…Will Andy be taking Dwight? They are co-third-in-command.

Michael: Good question. No, we need Dwight more.

Angela exhales

Michael: Besides, who’d want to move to Ohio?

Pam: New York.

Michael: You sure?

Andy: Looks like Andy Bernard’s star is on the rise. I’m like an astrophysicist, soaring with the constellations. Will I forget the little meteors I stepped on to get here? You bet your ass. If I learned anything in sailing class it’s that it’s every man for himself on a boat, just like in space. And sales.

Outside, Andy does a happy dance. In a nearby car, Angela and Dwight make out.

Jun 20th 2008

Michael/TH: I’m excited! Andy Bernard’s been promoted to Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin-Ithaca. He won’t go though ‘cause we’re the fun branch. They’re lame-o. Remember Karen tried to take Stanley? Not on my watch. Stupid, Toby. Stole my watch.

Andy and Jim enter.

Andy: Wassup, o captain my captain? Or chief?

Jim: Or potentate.

Andy: What?

Jim: You wanted to see me, Michael?

Michael: Yes! Guess what Ithaca’s trying to do?

Andy: Ithaca? Tuna! Cornell! Ever heard of it?

Jim: Nope.

Michael: They’re Fillipelli-ing us, Jim! We’ve got to do something!

Andy: Yes! Count me in! (leaning toward Jim) What’s a filibelius?

Jim: OK, Michael, first, no. Second, what?

Michael: Wallace wants to make Andy Regional Manager in Ithaca..

Andy: Awesome!

Michael: ..but I told him he wouldn’t leave here. He’s part of my family now and I have to protect him... (aside)…even though he’s kind of a weirdo creep and I don’t really like him.

Andy: I, Mr. Drew Bernard…

Jim: Andy.

Andy: …aka Nard Dog, am Regional Manager of Ithaca! Thank you muchly, sire.

Michael: I said you wouldn’t be interested.

Andy: You are right, of course, that I am not interested but it’s very possible that I am also interested. Tuna, you can be my second.

Michael: That’s what Pam said!

Andy: Yes! Nailed it! (starts singing) All hail, Cornell!

As Andy leaves for the day, Jim hands Andy a cell phone. Andy looks at it, confused.

Jim: Just a little going away present from Pam and me.

Jun 21st 2008

Michael (TH): As regional manager I constantly make important announcements. My audience expects each one to be bigger and better than the last, so today, Announcementfest ´08, is going to blow your mind. Corporate said to use the utmost discretion with this announcement, so I can´t invite the warehouse guys. But I´ll manage.

Michael and Angela are arguing.

Angela: Michael, I can´t plan a party if I don´t know what the party is for.
Michael: Just...rrgh. Fine. Andy´s getting promoted to regional manager at Ithaca.
Andy is five feet away, keeping score of a covert Hateball game.
Andy: What? Promoted?! ALL RIGHT!! Everyone claps. Andy and Kevin do a poorly timed chest-bump.
Michael: I was supposed to...the party...see what you did, Angela? Sulkily goes to his office.
Andy: (Hugging Angela) How great is this? And maybe Cornell has figured out that problem with my diploma, so I can pick it up when we get there! (Dances gleefully)
Jim: Um, you don´t have a diploma?
Andy: (Still dancing) Something about credit hours, I dunno.
Angela: (Angrily) You haven´t actually graduated? What other lies have you been feeding me? Storms off. Dwight watches lovingly.

Phyllis (TH): I can´t imagine that "Ithaca" would choose someone who doesn´t know he hasn´t graduated from college. "Ithaca" might go for Dwight instead. (Giggles at her cleverness, leans forward and whispers) I still haven´t told anyone. It´s nice to have the upper hand.

Jun 21st 2008

Dwight (enters Michaels office, closes door, sits): Yes, Michael? What is it?

Michael (distraught): Dwight, I am so frigged. Corporate just called. There's a new branch opening in Ithaca, and they're looking for a Regional Manager. They want me to ask Jim if he's interested! I can't lose Jim. He's far too valuable.

Dwight (unemotionally): I don't understand. Jim is dead weight. You could send him and the receptionist together, as a package deal.

Michael: No, Dwight. Jim's my friend, and a great salesman, and Pam is...hot. If I lose Jim, I know I'll lose Pam too, and I can't do that to them. They would never forgive me.

Dwight: Jim's not as irreplaceable as you think he is, Michael. And Pam could be replaced by an automated answering machine.

Michael: I've got it! I won't ask Jim. I'll tell Corporate I need him here. Then I'll recommend someone else. But who? Who could do it?

Dwight: (Thinking) Well, I do have one suggestion...

(cut to a few moments later. Michael stands outside his office.)

Michael: Andy, can I talk to you a minute?

(camera pans to Dwight, who has a mischevious smile on his face.)

(later, camera pans back to Michaels office, where an elated Andy is laughing and dancing wildly.)

Andy: Ithaca, here I come!

Dwight(TH): I did him a favour, trust me. Once he finds out from Angela that the engagment is off he'll be...(sarcastically) oops! Did I say that? (devilish grin) Shhh!

Jun 22nd 2008

Here Comes Treble

(Michael emerges from his office, pleased.)

Michael: Good morning everyone, I have an announcement to make!

(Jim and Pam exchange looks.)

Michael: Someone is going to be passing on to greener pastures today.

(Creed pulls a small suitcase from underneath his desk and grabs his coat.)

Jim: Wait, someone's dying?

Michael: Shhhuuu...no. Someone here...has been chosen to manage the newest branch of Dunder Mifflin!"

(Creed puts his suitcase back and hands up his coat.)

Stanley: Who?

Michael: You won't be surprised. He's one of the best salesmen in the company.

(Angela beams.)

Micheal: Jiiiiim Halpert!

Jim: Um, no.

Michael: (awkward Michael laughter) Sic!...(to the camera) Wayne's World. I'm kidding! Jim, you're too valuable to lose!

(Pam frowns.)

Michael: He is one of the best salesmen in the company, though. And he's engaged to Angela!

Dwight and Andy: (raising fist to the air, pumping in sync.) Yes!

Dwight: I knew it!

Andy: What?

Michael: (disgusted) Not you, Dwight. Andy.

(A variety of opposing emotions run across Andy's face. Dwight pulls something metallic in nature out of his desk. Jim covers his face and sighs.)

Andy: I am so...(long pause)...awesome!


Andy [TH]: Yes, I'll admit it. At first, I experienced...mixed emotions. Ultimately my management training made the difference. He got the girl. But I got the promotion. To Ithaca! I think I got the better end of the deal, honestly. I gotta call my old group. They're going to be so psyched! (singing high) Dawesome!

Jun 22nd 2008

Andy: (On the phone) Yes. Uh huh. Yes, thank you! Thank you so much! This is just....awesome!!! (hangs up the phone and runs to Michael's office shutting the door behind him.)
Andy: Michael, I just heard. I got Ithaca!
Michael: What? No... you didn't. I don't know who you heard that from. That is not correct.


Michael [TH]: Why is it that corporate feels they need to do my job? I never get to make any of the good announcements. It's always, "Michael, we need you to tell everyone to work Saturday" or "Michael, we need you to lay off your employees" or "Michael, we need you to tell everyone that actually was asbestos." And every time it's something good, they never let me do it!


Andy: But...I just talked to Wallace. I mean, I got the job, didn't I?

Michael: Fine. But I'm telling everyone else.

(Opening the door to his office)

Michael: Attention everyone! I have some news. Good news this time. Very good news. Our very own Andy Bernard has been promoted! To regional manager of Ithaca!

Angela: F$@# yes!

Jun 22nd 2008

Michael: Andy! Office! Now!

Andy: Aye, aye O’ Captain, my captain!

Both are now seated in Michael’s office

Michael: It looks as if all of my hard work has finally paid off. Corporate has just sent me a memo that you are being promoted. You are now the Regional Manager of Ithaca.

Andy: Hot Dog! Thank you Cornel!

Michael: (to the camera)…and me…?

Andy runs out of Michael’s office all ecstatic

Andy: Goodbye Scrantonesians! And say hello to a new Regional Manager! Dwight – you are fired!

Dwight: Michael!?!?

Michael: You heard him. But now I hire you back.

Pam: Can I see that? (referring to the memo)

Andy: Jim you can be my number three. Angela – number two. Pack your things we are going on a quest together.

Jim: Are we going to Mordor because I think Angela has a ring.

Andy: No, but you better brush up on your Halo, if you use strategery like you did at Stamford, you will not last long at my branch.

Pam: Michael…?

Michael: Not now, we are basketing in the glorious glory that I have molded and shaped!

Pam: Michael!

Michael: Shhuuussshhh! (Waving Pam away)

Pam: Michael, it says Andy Berkhart!

Michael: Let me see that! (pauses to read) OK peoples, back to work. None of this ever happened…just keep moving…there is nothing to see here…

TH Michael: Easy mistake. Maybe if they didn’t write it in this weird Roman Times font. I’m not Romanian. Send me my memos in American.

Jun 22nd 2008

Michael has called everyone into the conference room. Andy looks excited. Jim is visibly agitated.

Michael: Andy, can you come up here for a second? We have an annou.....

Jim: Wait, guys. I have something I need to say first. Look, Pam, I've been waiting for the longest time to do this, and it seems like something always happens to derail it. I can't wait anymore. Pam, will you be my wife?

Pam: What? Are you serious?

Jim: Yes, I'm serious. (drops to one knee) Will you marry me?

Pam: YES!

Everyone seated in the office cheers, and begins gathering around Jim and Pam. Michael is squealing with joy, Andy smiles, but turns to Michael...

Andy: So, what were you going to announce?

Michael: Wha....oh! I forgot. You're going to be Regional Manager in Ithaca.

Andy: Woooo! Did you guys hear that? Cornell wants me back!

No one hears him.

Jun 22nd 2008

(Conference room scene. Everyone’s looking at a presentation.)

(Jim raises hand)

Michael: Yes, Jimbalaya?

Jim: Why is Andy’s name crossed out in the org chart?

(Shot of a confused Andy)

Michael: (smiling) Good eye, Sherlock Homeboy! I was hoping someone would catch that. Now, why, pray tell, do you guys think he’s crossed out?

Kevin: He owes you money, so you’re having him (slowly looks to the right and then to the left and whispers) taken care of.

Michael: What? No.

Stanley: He came to his senses and got out while he could.

(Shot of Michael getting visibly irate)

Kelly: Ooh, I know, Michael! You found out that the little soldiers Jan used to make her baby came from one of Andy’s deposits and now you can’t handle working with him, so you fired him. It’s just like what happened on Private Practice.

Michael: No. Dammit, Kelly! Just…Dwight, just go to the next slide.

(Next slide shows the upper level management org chart, which includes Andy as Regional Manager of Ithaca)

(Andy TH)

Andy: I saw an opportunity and I ran with it. Why wouldn’t I get this promotion? I went to Cornell. I was president of the yacht club. I was and am in an acapella group. Who cares if my dad just bought half of the stock in this company?

(Shot of everyone clapping and Andy jumping up victoriously)

(cut to Andy TH)

Andy: Fiancée? What fian… (realization hits him) What have I done?

Jun 22nd 2008

it's paper-office quiet when michael pops out of his office with a huge grin.

michael: congratulations, people! corporate has, again, chosen a scrantonian for promotion. (eyes turn to jim) not even the best one, either, which shows just how awesome we are. andy... has been named manager of the new ithaca branch.

andy: (jumping up) "yesss!"

michael: yesss... oh! (suddenly excited) know what!?! let's go! andy and i are going out, pam. (rushing to the door) and we may take the whole afternoon... or not. our prerogative.

andy: and there may be drinking.

michael: (to the camera) nope, no drinking. no cocaine.... business hours. we raise ’em right in scranton.

cut to store interior

michael: welcome to boss heaven, spencer's gifts of scranton.

andy: (admiring a beer hat) sweet!

michael: djyeah, well... trust me, piece of junk. ok, first executive decision: which quality desk item to choose.

andy: ah! solution solved. (picks up a world's best boss mug)

michael: no!...um, it’s your desk. it says here's who i am. like a signature. people see "world's best boss," they think michael scott. same with the chattering teeth.

andy: ...expand-a-ball?

cut to the car. michael wears a blue afro wig.

michael: excellent choice, andy... if i do say so myself. it says, “i’m no better than you.” today, sir, you became a leader of men. (looks at the camera) ...ny ...many.

andy, forcing a smile, looks at the mug in his hand. it reads: "world's best underling."

Jun 22nd 2008

The More Things Change…

Michael: I have great news… the curse is over! For the past year and a half, nothing good has happened in this branch, and I finally figured out why.

Phyllis: Well, I got married.

Pam: And Jim and I are dating.

Kelly: And Brangelina’s having twins!

Michael: Irrelevant. Something happened 18 months ago that we’ve been paying for ever since. Here are five hints: Tony, Martin, Hannah, Karen, Andy.

Dwight: The merger!

Michael: That’s right. Subtraction by addition. They were all tainted by working for Josh.

Jim: I worked for Josh.

Michael: You worked for me first, which made you immune to stupidity. (Jim looks at camera.) But now all that dead weight is gone.

Andy: I’m still here.

Michael: Oh yeah, that’s my big announcement. You’re leaving.

Andy: You’re firing me??

Michael: No, Ivy League. Corporate’s making you Regional Manager of our new Ithaca branch.

Andy: That’s awesome! I have learned so much from you, Michael, and I hope I can be half the manager you are! A new promotion and a new fiancée! What more could I ask for?

Angela (glancing at Dwight): About that… we need to talk.

(Three weeks later…)

Andy (TH): When Angela broke off our engagement, it hit me hard, but I got back on my feet. The ladies love me here in Ithaca! Power is a great aphrodisiac.

(Camera pulls back.)

Toby: As I was saying, Drew, I need you to sign this contract stating that you’ll refrain from any further inappropriateness…

Jun 22nd 2008 edited

A note from the CPC: Unfortunately, this entry is disqualified from voting for exceeding the stated word count limit. Votes for this entry cannot be counted. Please send questions/comments to dmpaperco@gmail.com.

Andy enters Michael’s office and closes the door behind him.

Michael: Please sit down.

Andy: And sit I shall. (Michael glances at camera and then back to Andy) Look, I know why I’m here and I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate the opportunity.

Michael: You know already? *(Visibly disappointed)

Andy: HR had me sign a non-compete. You know, just a formality. To be honest, I wouldn’t want to have to compete again me either. I’m Cornell fierce.

Michael: This is kind of awkward. I really wanted to be the one to tell you. I had a whole speech ready. (Michael carefully refolds a post-it note and puts it in his desk drawer, visibly disappointed)

Andy: I’ve been thinking about it and I, Andy Bernard, would like to ask you, the great Michael Scott, to be my assistant regional manager.

Michael (taken aback): Huh? Why would I take a demotion and move away from the people I love in Scranton?

Andy (leaning in, lowering his voice): Listen, man, you and I both know that Scranton ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. If I were you and had to come to work in a Seabring and wear second class suits everyday, I wouldn’t last a week. I can offer you freedom in Ithaca. I can offer you a life with no company car. A life where you don’t need to wear suit everyday because you’re not important enough. I’ll take on that burden for you. What do you say?

Michael: Well, Andy, I’m flattered that you would consider bringing me onto your team, but I have to decline. You see, Jan is pregnant and...

Andy: Well... Would Jan consider taking a job in Ithaca? It would be my pleasure to have her serve under me.

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