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Jun 30th 2008 edited

Our prompt this week crosses dimensions to arrive to us from the distant future, courtesy of DftF, who takes us out of the All-Star Break and into the second half with a dizzying head-turner of a prompt. Let's hear it for the boy.


Spinning, spinning, spinning: We've all heard speculation that one of our favorite "Office"-mates will be spinning out into the universe on his or her own show at some point in the next few months. No doubt they all would like to be the star of their own show -- the question is, What show would that be? Your challenge, should you accept it: Tell us what one (or more) of the characters from The Office would do if given the opportunity to star in their dream television show.


  • This entry may be written, spoken, sung, filmed, or communicated through cosmic brain waves, if you think you can do that.
  • We're back to a 250-word limit again, should you choose to submit a written entry.
  • Remember to count your words before you submit or run it through the Microsoft Word word count function.
  • Standard parameters apply for all entry formats. An hour-long Queen mix parody would be cooler than school, but tough to judge properly.
  • Cosmic brain wave submissions must adhere to the Higgenbotham Neuro-Midpoint Protocol. See Treatises on Neurotelepathy as a Subset of Cranio-hypertransmissions, 4th Ed. for tips.

Judging criteria:

Responses are to be evaluated on the following:

1) Overall impact

2) True to characters

3) Appropriate to challenge prompt

4) Creativity


  • Deadline for submitting entry #4 is 10 pm EST on Sunday, July 6.
  • Voting for challenge #5 begins Monday, July 7.
  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to the general contest thread for questions/discussion.
  • Please remember to count the words in your entry. It is not fair for the CPC to allow some people to break the limit while others spend hours shaving perfectly wonderful lines from their entries.
  • No editing allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check your entry in the general contest thread before posting it in this thread.
  • Please review contest description for other details.
Jun 30th 2008

"The Stanley Mysteries" Reviewed: Gets a Pass, But Needs More Sass

In the tradition of “Monk” and “Psych” comes another quirky detective show. The quirk here is that the main character does almost nothing and is left alone. Stanley spends each episode in the bathtub, glass of wine at hand (“for the antioxidants,” he notes), and watches mysteries be solved by Toby, the Columbo-esque detective who uses passive-aggression to annoy people into confessing just so he’ll shut up.

In each episode, Toby’s mystery usually involves discovering some minor office malfeasance perpetrated by one of the many people that bother Stanley, including Michael, an unrealistic, troublesome buffoon. For example, Toby must find out who started a rumor about the type of underwear preferred by people in the office. Stanley only wants to avoid the inevitable meetings that follow Scott’s constant screw-ups. The show has some nice postmodern touches: when Stanley gets bored, we cut to him in the bath doing a crossword until something exciting happens. He rolls his eyes constantly, often saying “I wish something else was on.” He keeps on watching, however, and doesn’t seem motivated to change the channel.

Overall, the show is just ok. Toby is an affable presence, but the show would benefit from more of a spark from him and Stanley. I’ve never seen a show featuring a black character with as little sass and little desire to impart life lessons than this one. The episode that comes closest involves pretzels, strangely enough.

Jul 3rd 2008



“Oh, my stars in heaven… it’s the Caped Avenger! You caught those nasty purse thieves! (sniff) H-how can I ever thank you?”

“No thanks necessary, ma’am. All in a day’s work for a volunteer superhero wiping vermin off the face of the earth. Say goodbye to this life, scumbag! Here, old lady, have a handkerchief…”


“And now I, Michael the Magnificent, will open the cage to reveal a live and healthy bird which has mircaculously survived the burning Box of Doom!... oh... gah!… defective pigeon… do-over!"


“...before we call out our first guest, we will open up the phone lines. Hello, and welcome to Cat Chat.”

“My two year old has started pulling our Tabby’s tail. Is there something we can do about it?”

“Well, your cat certainly must be protected… crating can work wonders.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of crating dogs, but never cats.”

(Frowning) “Not for the cat; for the ill-mannered…”


Tell It To Kelly is happy to welcome a famous author today. So… Mr. Rushdie…”

“Call me Salman.”

“Oh, okay, like the fish? That’s cool. Well, it musta been so awesome to’ve been married to Padma Lakshmi. She is sooo pretty. Is her leaving you the most difficult thing you have ever, ever gone through?”

“Well, there was dealing with the fatwa…”

“I hear you, Sal, I do. So, have you tried the South Beach? The Zone?


Ugh. There is nothing on. Maybe TBS…

“That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.”


Jul 4th 2008
Jul 4th 2008

<a href="">Promotional Poster</b>

Drawing credit goes to:

Jul 5th 2008

"Hello and welcome back to The Love Shack on Channel 4 Television. My name is Phyllis Vance and with me, as always is my husband Bob Vance. Now, before the break we were talking about sex toys, and how they're not just for the young, but are perfectly acceptable for the young at heart also. Remember, folks, the key is to remember that sex at any age should be fun and adventurous. There's no rule that says that sex after 40 has to be boring or non existent. For those of you who are new to our program, Bob and I married later in our lives, at an age where many people start to slow down, sexually speaking, but Bob and I found out that, if you choose, as a couple you can make your love lives as exciting and adventurous as they were when you were teenagers. Now, enough of me talking. Bob, why don't you introduce our next favourite sex toy?"

"Sure thing, hon. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is is the Bungee Sexperience SwingNSFW, which retails on the internet and most Sex Shops for around $300.00. For some of our viewers, that might seem a little on the expensive side, but trust me, once you give this thing a try, you'll realize it was worth every penny, am I right, Phyllie? Hahaha! Now, we're gonna show you this little beauty works here, once Phyllis gets into her sexy little red number..."

Jul 5th 2008

Remote Abscess – The T.V. Blob

July 5, 2015
Office spin-offs stretching limits of believability with new Helms vehicle

Back when Office producers decided to launch a spinoff, I was skeptical. At least the premise was original: Karen (Rashida Krasinski Jones) quits Dunder Mifflin and teams with a pro wrestler -- played by former Minnesota Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura -- to start a Rochester gym.

Who guessed Bitch'n Body would last six seasons - winning eight Emmys including RKJ's four for best actress - and spawn its own spinoff? Two cops, one named Cash (Nicole Richie) and one named Carry (Leslie David Baker) fight Dubuque street gangs and their forbidden lust. The aptly titled Sassy brought back Must-See-TV.

Still, I wasn't ready for the mock-reality show So You Want to Date a Receptionist? You'd think after two Oscars, Dame Jenna Fischer would be more selective. This show-within-a-show about a divorced reality show hostess (Fischer reprising an old role) looking for love worked best when it lampooned the defunct reality genre. Ratings soared after the FCC loosened broadcast nudity restrictions. All in all, it was nice to see old Pammy again.

So I've been wrong before, but I still have my doubts about Ed Helms's decision to leave Meet the Press and return to scripted TV. A crime procedural based on a Disney classic? Well, who better than the Nard-dog to play The Shaggy DA?

Posted by Brian at 3:34 pm | Digg Technorati | Post Comment
Jul 5th 2008

The Adventures of Beetman

Dwayne Spruce is the esteemed regional manager of Bender-Turanga paper company in Steamtown, USA. He also leads a secret life as the incredible Beetman, one of the rare vegetable inspired superheroes.

Highlights from the show's 7th episode, "Beetman Battles the Prankster VII."

It's a normal, exhilarating day at the office when the mischievous Prankster appears. He has somehow put Spruce's entire desk in gelatin.

Spruce walks out of the kitchen and sees his desk, then tells the receptionist he has to go see the dentist.

Moments later, onlookers see something moving through the parking lot.

Onlooker #1: Over there! It's a turnip...

Onlooker #2: It's a huge red crayon...

Onlooker #3: It's Beetman!

Beetman arrives in the office and removes from his belt a can of his specially formulated beet-derived prank repellent, and sprays the entire desk with it.

The gelatin changes color, flies off the desk, and wraps around the Prankster, encasing him in gelatin from the neck down.

Beetman removes a small chunk of gelatin and tastes it.

Beetman: Prankster, your deed was malicious, but your crimson prison is delicious.

Later, April O'Martin, the Peabody Award winning reporter from Steamtown's Channel 4 News and Spruce's secret girlfriend, arrives at the scene to collect statements from observers.

Later still, Spruce and O'Martin are in the Beetcave reading the statements.

April: Could you put me in gelatin?

Dwayne: Yeah, but why?

April: And eat your way to me?

Dwayne grins.

Fade to black.

Jul 6th 2008

If you could star in your own television show, what show would it be?

Talking Heads

Dwight: TV show? That’s easy. 24. Jack Bauer’s getting old. It’s time that show had some new blood. And my blood is brand new. Just had a transfusion last week. Schrutes have always swapped blood a few times a year…helps keep the Schrute bloodline strong. And the show would be called 25. Because I work overtime.

Michael: You know, there are so many shows that I would be great in but I think my magma opus would be Late Night with Michael Scott. I am an amazing interviewer. I already know my opening night guests. People whom I consider to be icons of America. Rambo “I’ll be back” Stallone, Carrot Top (for obvious reasons), and Bob Hope (smiling and nodding head proudly). I live for paper. But people... are my life. I guess you could say I’m a paper people person and I think that would be reflected in the show.

Andy: Little known fact… I’ve already been the star of a TV show. Back when I attended Cornell, my a capella group, Here Comes Treble, had their own public access cable show entitled, “Here Comes Treble”. And let me tell you something, fame is not all it’s cracked up to be. The autographs, the stalking… my family just would not leave me alone. It was actually a relief when we lost funding after that week.

Creed: Medical drama show. Chief surgeon. Been far too long since I’ve held a beating heart in my hands.

Jul 6th 2008

Malonee’s Homies - Pilot episode
A new kids show written by Kevin Malone(e).

(Kevin is seen sitting on some stairs looking sad)

Red Puppet: Are you sad, Kevin? You seem sad.

Kevin: I lost my accounting job, so now I’m sad.

Purple Puppet: Blah! I love a-counting things! Blah! Blah!

Red Puppet: Sometimes when I am sad, I like to bounce balls. Like this (motions dribbling) Then I smile big! Do you want to play with balls, Kevin?

Kevin: Sure.

Red Puppet: My best friend has lots of balls. We will see if we can borrow some!

(Knocks on can)

Green Puppet: Shut up!

Red Puppet: Kevin – help me beat the begeesus out of this can. Then he will surely let us borrow his balls!

Kevin: OK.

(Beating commences)

Green Puppet: Stop! What do you want?

Red Puppet: We would like to play with some balls. Can we borrow your balls to play catch?

Green Puppet: I don’t have balls anymore. My boss at the supermarket swiped my balls for bouncing them in the seafood section next to the shellfish. Now I’m sorry.

Red Puppet: We are sorry too! Maybe…

Kevin: (looking into can) Wait a minute! I spot your balls below you! Two big blue balls!

Red Puppet: Uh-oh!

Tune in tomorrow when we see if the little green guy really has any blue balls.

Purple Puppet: Blah, blah blah!!

Today’s episode was endorsed by the letters B and S and the numbers 6 and 9.

Jul 6th 2008

Coming this Fall to the Food Network......

"I Love Pie!" Watch TV's Kevin Malone and Holly Flax (The Office) travel the Northeast in search of America's finest slice of pie! One-sided sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife....and serve it with whipped cream! A show with enough bawdy humor, heartfelt concern and baked goods to satisfy any appetite.

Fridays after the Rachel Ray show. No, the other one. No, the other one......

Jul 6th 2008

Hello everyone, and welcome to The Boob Review, a monthly look at what’s going on in the world of boobs. Thank you for tuning into Scranton Public Access channel 59, I’m your host Kevin Malone.

I wish this show was on channel 69 (grins).

First I want to review the July issue of Maxim. The cover girl is Marisa Miller. Oh wow, this chick is so hot. Check her out (holds up cover of magazine). Let’s review her credentials. In addition to this cover Maxim named her the #1 hottest chick in the world in their Maxim Hot 100 for 2008. She also was on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year. I haven’t been this excited about a Sports Illustrated swimsuit girl since Kathy Ireland.

Final review, I give Marisa Miller and this month’s Maxim 5 M&Ms out of a possible 5.

Now let’s take a look at the August issue of FHM magazine. The cover girl this month is Ana Ivanovic (holds up cover of magazine). I guess this chick plays tennis. She doesn’t have huge boobs but she is really hot. I might have to start watching tennis now.

Final review, I give Ana Ivanovic and this month’s FHM 4 M&Ms out of a possible 5.

We are going to commercial now, and when we come back my special guest will be my friend Michael Scott and we are going to review the new show on Showtime called Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

Jul 6th 2008

In 2006, Sin Tetas No Hay Paraíso (Without Breasts There is No Paradise) became the most watched telenovela in Colombia. The show is about a girl who becomes obsessed with getting implants to overcome poverty, but to do so she must sleep with drug traffickers. In an attempt to cash in on the success of telenovela adaptations such as Ugly Betty, in April 2008, co-chairman of NBC Ben Silverman announced plans to produce an English version. The announcement attracted a flurry of media attention in which New York magazine called it an “almost unbelievably perfect title” and remarked that “TV nirvana has just been achieved.” The Charlotte Observer remarked that NBC was putting its “‛breast’ foot forward” and a Dallas Morning News editorial said that NBC would be “without a shred of integrity” if the show were ever to air†. The project had been sitting in pre-production until the crippling writer’s strike forced executives to reach deep into the vault of ill-advised ideas. Taking advantage of the success of NBC’s lead comedy The Office, production of Without Breasts There is No Paradise began in earnest in late 2008, to feature at least one, if not more, of The Office characters, in what Variety has called the “most bizarre and potentially network crippling spinoff yet. Ben Silverman is either a genius or retarded.” Promotional spots have begun airing on Telemundo and Spike TV.

I’m not even making most of this up.

Jul 6th 2008

I Bet You (official website)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I Bet You is a buddy show about the lives of best friends and professional poker players Phil "The Unabomber" Laak, Antonio "The Magician" Esfandiari, and Kevin “The Accountant” Malone as they wander the streets of America betting and daring each other on anything and everything that inspires them, using their own money. Malone was added to the show during the second season after his contract with the documentary “The Office” ended.

The show is produced by NorthSouth Productions for the MOJO HD network.


Every show is filmed in a different location, though usually in or around a major American city, such as New York, Las Vegas or Miami.


Main article: List of I Bet You episodes
Most episodes are centered around a big bet (referred to in the title of the episode) of which the development is shown in several pieces. In between those pieces, smaller bets around town are shown.

The first season contains eight episodes and an additional two bonus episodes, which are featured on the Season 1 DVD. The second season of I Bet You premiered on Thursday, April 10 at 9:30pm, ET/PT. This season will consist of 14 episodes. A third season has been announced, which will consist of 13 episodes.

Jul 6th 2008

America's Sexiest New Accountant

“Welcome to the summer’s hottest new reality show! I’m your host, Andy Bernard. Let’s say hello to our awesome judges—Oscar Martinez (applause), Kevin Malone (louder applause), and my beautiful fiancée, Angela Martin (smattering of applause and boos).”

(Angela scowls, crossing her arms impatiently.)

“Oscar, what do you think of our contestants so far?”

“Well… there are some talented young accountants up there. I’m looking forward to seeing more of them tonight.”

(Kevin snickers): “Yeah… in the swimsuit competition.”

“Come on, Kevin… there’s more to this competition than just hot business majors.”

“You mean like Sergio, the hot math major, right Oscar?” (sly wink and smile)

(Angela): “You two disgust me. I can’t believe I agreed to take part in this shameful sinfest!”

(Andy): “Whoa, cupcake… go easy on the sarcasm.”

“I was told that this program would help some young lady or young man fulfill their dream of becoming a prominent accountant.”

“I can think of a couple contestants who are already prominent in my dreams.”

“Kevin! Stop embarrassing yourself!”

(Kevin turns to Oscar looking for a high five but gets only a cold stare.)

(Andy): “Oookay, well before our judges start attacking each other with slide rules, let’s get on with tonight’s competition! (enthusiastic applause) Here to answer audience questions about tax code, and wearing designer swimsuits, let’s hear it for Sergio and Ashley!

(Audience cheers wildly, Oscar and Kevin display wide smiles, Angela covers her face with her hands.)

Jul 6th 2008


What's In A Name?

(Dwight Schrute Voice Over)

You have a different password for every account. But they know every trick in the book. Indentity thieves rip off your personal accounts every day. And unless you know how they get your information, you don't have a chance of keeping them out.

According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in 2003 there were more than bajillion reported identity thefts in the United States — that's a mijillion identity thefts per 100,000 inhabitants. The majority of those offenses — 66 percent — were preventable.

So how safe is your identity?

Enter What's In A Name?, a unique new Bravo series that offers viewers something they've never seen before: an identity theft performed by a thief so good he has never been caught.

Hosted by Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, Dwight Schrute, What's In A Name? exposes personal security flaws by unleashing one uniquely qualified expert into the trash of innocent people. Watch along with the victims themselves as the incredible thief steals their job, their families, their faces. And in so doing, discover how foolish it is to trust anyone.

Watch What's In A Name? on Bravo, weekdays at 6 p.m. ET/PT. Because sometimes you have to sleep with someone else's spouse in order to open their eyes.

(Lights fade up on Creed, dressed as a beautiful woman, emerging from a bedroom with a smile.)

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