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I guess I wouldn’t mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys: NAers Talk About Their Kids
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Jun 7th 2012

When my 17 year old was in kindergarten, I visited his class so that I could have lunch with him. He was beaming as he told his classmates, "That's my dad!" He still says that to people, but now it's while he's covering his eyes and shaking his head.

There is much truth in this. Our younger son just graduated from High school, and I'm sure we embarrass him on a daily basis, just by being us.

Jun 7th 2012

There is much truth in this. Our younger son just graduated from High school, and I'm sure we embarrass him on a daily basis, just by being us.

When my kids were in high school, I used to deliberately embarass them just to get my money's worth.

Jun 7th 2012

My dad used to do that shit.

Jun 7th 2012 edited

True story:

Several of my high school friends, by coincidence, had American Indian ancestry, including me -- though we were all essentially "white", to one degree or another. Anyway, as a result of this, we thought it would be funny to give each other "Indian" names along the lines of the ones in Dances with Wolves (ie, Stands with a Fist, or . . . well, the title character).

So my friend Garth was Burps on Command, and my friend Dan was Him Whose Feet Stink. I think I was called Stumbles a Lot.

Anyway, we assigned my father the name Fights with a Log, because one night a bunch of my friends and I were sitting around our family room watching football or something and my dad decided to build a fire in the fireplace. He went down to the garage, where we kept the firewood (it was under the family room). Moments later, we heard a loud CRASH and then several curses from downstairs. We all looked at each other. A second after that, we heard this sound from the stairway: Thump. "Fuck." Thump. "Fucking logs." Thump. "Ow, dammit." And so on.

After a few seconds, my father emerged at the top of the stairs, dragging a log behind him by a sort of stumpy branch-thing that stuck off the side. Once in the family room, he hoisted it up, marched to the fireplace, flung it on the rack and said, "If you guys want to have a fire, you can fucking light it. I'm going to sleep."

And then he left.

Jun 7th 2012

Poor dad! He probably went to bandage a bunch of tiny scratches and examine bruises.

That's an awesome story.

Jul 16th 2012 edited

$h*! My Kid Tweets

Who am I? An Ostentatious Man with a miscellaneous way of acknowledging admirable diminutive things in life.

It works better if you imagine it with Navin Johnson's voice.

Jul 16th 2012 edited

Speaking of s*it your kid posts: My older son, who is a senior music major in a Texas school (stop snickering), is in NYC for a week scoping out the place for possible grad school and making contacts/taking lessons, etc. He has been keeping me entertained with his facebook posts, and this one today cracked me up:

Just saw one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in the subway... And to top it all off she was reading Kurt Vonnegut. Of course I didn't say hello or introduce myself ... Why would I do that? Face palm.

Jan 21st 2013

We're going to the Justice store this morning because my daughter wants a pair of jeans, and she spent most of yesterday doing chores so she could get the exact pair of jeans she wants. There is so much neon on that store my eyeballs bleed when I walk in there. But she is really, really excited - about a pair of jeans! - so it's worth it.

Jan 21st 2013

My daughter also likes Justice. It's like little girls on steroids in that store.

Apr 26th 2013

My son's senior prom is tonight. His date looked so much like Rashida Jones that it freaked me out a little.

Apr 27th 2013

My son's senior prom is tonight. His date looked so much like Rashida Jones that it freaked me out a little.

He could have done a lot worse.

I took my 91 yr old fav aunt to hear my son play/sing in a Dallas jazz club last night. We had a blast!

Jun 5th 2013

Former scenario at my house: Bubbleboy, I need you to go to the store for me.

Bubbleboy: But I just went the other day! God! Why can't you go? Why do I always have to do it?

(Rage and grumbling continues, occasionally interrupted by sharp interjections from me.)

At least 20 minutes later, a grumbling Bubbleboy finally leaves for the store.

New scenario at my house: Bubbleboy, I need you to go to the store with me.

Bubbleboy: Why can't I just go by myself? You'll make it take too long.

Me: (sigh) Fine. I guess you can go by yourself.

A mere 5 minutes later, a satisfied Bubbleboy leaves for the store.

And I sit down with a glass of wine.

Jun 5th 2013

Exactly. You are learning, Danielson.

Jun 5th 2013

You are wise, BWC. Worked like a charm.

Jun 6th 2013 edited

You know he wants to go by himself so he can buy some crack, right?

Jun 6th 2013

Don't give her false hope, Daoust. He 's probably dealing crack.

Jul 30th 2013

I saw a t-shirt like this, and wanted to get it for my daughter:

.

My Mainer wife did not share my enthusiasm.

Jul 30th 2013

Oh, your poor kid with a Yankee mom.

Jul 30th 2013

The Yankees aren't from Maine.

Jul 31st 2013

What's wrong with Yankees?

Jul 31st 2013

Nothin'. Y'all are the best.

Jul 31st 2013

That's right.

Jul 31st 2013

My Yankee wife loves Southerners. But she rejects the idea that her kids are Southerners, even though they were born and raised in NC.

Jul 31st 2013

I feel similarly about the entirely Irish offspring of my half-Italian wife.

Aug 9th 2013

My parents took my son on a trip out to California last month. Awesome, right?

Except ever since he's been back, he's had a super hard time with going to his summer day camp. He loved it before the trip. Now, he cries at the littlest things. This morning, I thought everything was going fine, and then he found out he had to put his lunch box in a slightly different place. Then he was like, "DON'T LEAVE ME!"

I really hope this starts to straighten out before school starts.

Aug 9th 2013

My daughter can go from good day to bad day in a flash, over the most trifling things. I've started giving her the attitude of "Really? This is what you're going to worry about?" and it usually snaps her out of it. That doesn't mean, of course, that it will work on your boy. They are all different!

How old is your son? My daughter had a lot of things she was scared of from 4-5, and wouldn't tell us why. For instance, she was afraid to go outside for months, and would cower under a tree when an airplane went by. Turns out she saw some cartoon where an airplane had arms that reached out and grabbed things. Another time she wouldn't go in a room in the house for a month, and it turned out she was afraid of a conch shell on the bookshelf, because she thought a crab would crawl out. We found this out much later.

Maybe try approaching things from a different angle...some time, ask him "what's the worst thing about summer camp? What part do you like the least?" Maybe some kid started picking on him, or they do an activity that he fears.

Aug 9th 2013 edited

Thanks, Jinx. He'll be 7 next month, so he seems a bit old to be pulling this stuff.

I was afraid of a lot of irrational things when I was a kid too. I was convinced that the Joker, the Cesar Romero one from the TV show, lived in my basement.

Aug 9th 2013

My daughter is 8, and while she's not as afraid as she once was, she still has her moments. Last year we went to visit Cornell (ever heard of it?) and she would not get out of the car. She was afraid that people would think she didn't belong on a college campus. We tried to explain that non-students visited all the time, it was perfectly normal...but she was afraid of what other people would think, or that someone would yell at her because she should have been in school (it was a vacation day).

She still will not get a haircut. My wife has trimmed her bangs a few times, but she will not go to a barber. We can't figure out what the issue is there, but her hair is starting to look like a cave-woman at times.

Aug 9th 2013

My parents took my son on a trip out to California last month.

All the hippies in California obviously gave him drugs. I think he's messed up forever now. It's probably just something like he had tons of freedom on the trip and now he's forced into the schedule at camp.

She still will not get a haircut.

That's weird. Not even for a trim? How long has it been? Maybe she just wants to grow it out, but since she's a kid, she doesn't know she needs to cut it every couple of months to keep it healthy.

I hope your kids turn normal soon. (Haha.)

Aug 9th 2013 edited

She does want it long (and it is), but has some kind of fear of the barber. My wife can trim it here or there for her, but she is not a hair stylist. And it needs some layers cut in it or something.

Look at me, acting like I know anything about hair!

We had her accompany her cousin to her place, and she enjoyed going, and picking out hair products, but would not get in the chair. Five years from now she'll tell us that she was afraid of the hair wash at the start, or something silly like that.

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