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My dearest Fillipelli, how come you're so smelly? -- The sweet & nasty poem thread
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Dec 10th 2008

I received this in an e-mail forward from the only person whose e-mail forwards I ever, ever open. (She's got a good track record for funny.) The set-up was that a newspaper contest called on readers to submit a two-line poem starting with the most romantic first line they could write followed by the least romantic second line they could write.

Examples:

  1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

  2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

  3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.

  4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

  5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is until I met your brother.

  6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

  8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

  9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

  10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

  11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Have at it folks...

Dec 10th 2008

From Pam:

You're my soul mate, and I love you Jim!
But I just saw Roy, and I'm going back to him.

Dec 10th 2008

From Jan:

Michael, I want to have a baby.
Can you drive me to the sperm bank, maybe?

Dec 10th 2008

I like this thread. And I like the title "Sweet and Nasty," too.

Dec 10th 2008

Awesome thread, CGB!!

Dec 10th 2008

Nice LT!! That first one really lived up to the 'Sweet & Nasty' ethos.

From Angela:
Andy, you're sweet and you'd make a wonderful lover,
but unfortunately I'm addicted to boning another.

Dec 10th 2008

Lame first attempt

Michael to Jan:

Your body is sexy, your breasts are volumptous,
But since I met Holly I just wanna dumpyourass.

Dec 10th 2008

From Kevin:

My lovely, sweet, and beautiful Stace,
A Foreman grill should meet your face.

Dec 10th 2008 edited

From Ryan -

Kelly, you're lovely as a sweet Christmas Carol,
But, quite frankly, I'd rather do Daryl.

Dec 10th 2008

From Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration:

Darling Phyllis, my Mrs. Bob Vance,
I'd rather get into Beesly's pants.

Dec 10th 2008

Your body is sexy, your breasts are volumptous, But since I met Holly I just wanna dumpyourass.

This is hilarious.

Dec 10th 2008

Yeah, I'm wondering what happened to the lame one you were going to write.

Dec 10th 2008

From Creed to Pam:

You've become a part of me.
I wish that I could watch you pee.

From Creed to Karen:

You are like a golden vision.
I'll teach you moves I learned prison.

From Creed to Jan:

You would make my life complete
if I could just suck at your teat.

Dec 11th 2008

From Michael to Carol:

My tears drift down like virgin snow
'cause now you 'aint my ho no mo.

From Michael to Jan:

Your charm and beauty drive me wild,
I feel nothing for your child.

From Michael to Pam:

Your eyes cast such a lovely spell.
Those glasses make you look like hell.

From Michael to Holly:

That night we both were sweetly shy.
A thief broke in... and so did I. (Twice!)

Dec 11th 2008 edited

From Dwight to Angela:

Among my loves, you are the first.
Your cat's as dead as liverwurst.

From Dwight to Pam:

You're quite attractive in a sweater.
Still, you and Jim could both do better

From Dwight to that chick from the Jersey State
Varsity Women’s Basketball Team:

O' Amazon! You're sweet and lean,
but I take my blondes short and mean.

Dec 11th 2008 edited

This is hilarious.
Yeah, I'm wondering what happened to the lame one you were going to write.

Aw, thanks. I kinda felt like I was cheating with the rhyme. It's all good.

Dawesome, I especially like this one:

O' Amazon! You're sweet and lean,
but I take my blondes short and mean.

Dec 11th 2008

You've become a part of me.
I wish that I could watch you pee.

I like this one, but you missed the point. The second line isn't supposed to be so romantic.

Dec 11th 2008

From Jim to Pam after sexy time:

Beesly, you've got a great rack
Now go make me a snack

Dec 11th 2008 edited

Jim to Pam:

Your bajingo is a nice place to stash my big kahuna
But I thought I was the one who smelled like tuna.

Dec 11th 2008

(brays with laughter)

Dec 11th 2008

From Jim to Pam:
Your smile inspires me when I'm in a professional rut.
Your caboose inspires me to try it in the what?

Dec 11th 2008

From Kelly to Ryan:

I like my men to be short and smarmy,
But your teeny penis is less than charming.

Dec 11th 2008 edited

From Ryan to Prison Mike:

I learned so much from your sage advice,
But your hairy breath don't smell so nice.

I like this one, but you missed the point. The second line isn't supposed to be so romantic.

Niice--I mean, ew.

Dec 11th 2008

From Pam to Jim:

Your man meat is huge, my vajay beckons
I wish you'd last longer than thirty seconds

Dec 11th 2008 edited

From Creed to Meredith:

Marybeth, I love your red shining locks
But does the carpet match the drapes, you old fox?

Dec 11th 2008

From Angela to Andy:

The night is long and so is your passion
But you're not seeing me nude in any fashion

Dec 11th 2008 edited

From Dwight to Angela:

Your golden visage is lovely, no one could top it
It's such shame that you're evil like a hobbit.

Dec 11th 2008

You're a woman like no other
You remind me of your mother

Dec 11th 2008

From Pam to Jim
Wherever you go, I'll gladly follow
But give it a rest, I'm not going to censored.

Dec 11th 2008

From Jim to Pam (and ripping off CGB):

I'll follow you to any number of cities,
but mostly because of those awesome sweaters.

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