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Pam/Michael relationship
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May 2nd 2009 edited

by Alex Bosworth

Not long ago, I went to the mailbox to find a Happy New Year's Day card.
On the front was a three-dimensional photograph of some people standing
on the surface of Mars. They were smiling and waving as though it was a
vacation snapshot. Above them appeared a banner.

Happy New Year! December 31, 2081

Inside the card was a note written in tiny perfect letters which read as follows:

Hello, Alexander. My name is Sarah and I'm your great-great-granddaughter.
I hope this card finds you well in the early 21st century because, where I am,
you've been dead for nearly thirty years. In fact, we just interred your frozen
corpse and jettisoned you into space. So I thought this might be a nice
opportunity to drop you a note and say hi. How I am able to send a letter back
in time may be difficult for you to understand, so I won't waste my time trying
to explain it to you. Suffice it to say a lot of things have changed in the past
several decades. Let me put it into a nutshell.

In the year 2017, massive changes in the Earth's atmosphere began. Global temperatures began dropping dramatically. While studying this phenomenon, scientists discovered that the Earth was not simply a planet but that it was, in fact, a living organism with thought patterns of it's own. It seemed at first that the Earth was intentionally veering away from the Sun in order to counteract global warming. However, as temperatures continued to drop, it became clear that the Earth was taking things a step further and attempting to freeze the human race out of existence.

It didn't work, though. People simply adapted to the cold weather. Hot chocolate sales skyrocketed and the Winter Olympics were held every six weeks.

So, the Earth tried another tactic. It slowly started circling in closer to the sun, hoping to burn offits inhabitants, much in the way a fever attacks a disease.

It's a widely held belief that the earth was going through serious emotional problems during this period and while heading towards the Sun may not have been an out-and-out suicide attempt by the planet, it must at least be looked upon as a cry for help.

Things got so hot that everyone assumed that the Earth was going to plunge itself into the Sun. Department stores and car dealerships had huge end of the world sales. Coppertone Sun Block 190 was sold on the black market for $7,000 an ounce and every time you turned on the radio, it was that same song with those same spooky lyrics:

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."

And it was the end of the world as people knew it. The Earth did not collide with the Sun. It did snuggle up closely, however- close enough to melt the polar ice caps causing the greatest flooding the modern world had ever known. Only people from Missouri and Bangladesh survived because they were used to flooding and could adapt. Huge floating countries were developed. Gold and silver were replaced by fiberglass and styrofoam as international monetary standards and the dolphin replaced the dog as man's best friend.

Eventually, the Earth overcame its psycho-geological problems and things dried
out quite a bit. Mankind came to realize that it didn't control nature. The dolphins
were very smug about this because they had known this all along.

I don't know much about what happened on Earth after that because our family
moved to Mars. We're very happy here and we have you to thank. You see,
coming here was your idea. Just before you died, you said:

"Get me off this stupid planet! Take me someplace far away, someplace quiet
and cool."

And today, as I stood there watching that little capsule with your frigid
remains inside disappear among the stars, I realized that you're right where
you wanted to be. You're someplace far way, someplace quiet and cool.
You're a galactic popsicle, great-great-grandpa and I hope you'll always stay
that way. So, from the year 2081, Happy New Year. Because it's the end of
the world as you knew it and we feel fine.

May 2nd 2009

Perhaps Michael is preparing Pam for motherhood (she said that she wasn't good with kids, but Michael is a big enough kid that she's learning how to deal with such situations and, in the end, will make a good mother to her and Jim's children)

May 7th 2009

My husband said, "Pam is like a mom to Michael." I think that's exactly it.

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