Jim's Top Ten Pranks to play on Dwight

1. Change the caller ID on his phone to read "Mr. Kitten" every time he calls someone.
2. Schedule meetings with him for September 31 and February 30.
3. Place a small post-it note over the laser on his optical mouse sensor so that it doesn't respond, and change his default mouse pointer to the hourglass.
4. Take Erin's candy jar, and leave a trail of candy wrappers to Dwight's desk. Leave the empty jar on Dwight's desk.
5. Put the beet farm for sale on eBay.
6. Tape the clicker on his phone down so when he picks it up, it keeps ringing and ringing.
7. Send Dwight an official office memo telling him that the new copier is voice-activated. Tell him it works in English, but it's more fluent in German.
8. Tell him Michael passed out in the bathroom stall and needs his help. Try to time it so Kevin is on the can.
9. Send a fake love note from Dwight to Meredith. Then put a Battlestar Galactica poster behind her so he stares at her all day.
10. Put chia pet paste and seeds under his keys, so stuff starts growing out of his keyboard.

BE SURE TO GO TO TARGET AFTER WORK

• Cat litter
• Dry cat food
• Fancy Feast multi-pack
• Catnip mice (for party favors)
• Hairball medicine
• Scratching pad
• Birthday card for Ash
• Present for Ash (cute hat?)
• Cat treats
• Birthday candles

Kevin’s Ten Actresses Hotter Than Hilary Swank From: Kevin Malone (kmalone@dmiflin.org) Sent: Thursday January 22, 2009 To: Jim Halpert (jhalpert@dmiflin.org)

Jim, despite what Michael said there is no way that Hilary Swank is hot. In fact I can think of ten actresses with red hair hotter than Hilary Swank. I don’t know their names so I’ll describe their movies to you.

• That girl from that show with the female singer. She was also in that movie that made fun of all the teen movies.
• That girl who fights zombies and shows off her lady parts in that one movie.
• The daughter of that director who is in that other director’s movies where she plays a blind girl and a mermaid.
• That girl from that movie about fashion. Not the brunette the one who hires her.
• That girl from that show about an advertisement agency that is set in the past.
• One girl who was in that movie where she would only date guys who did it doggy style.
• That mean girl from that movie about mean girls who was also in that movie about a school supplies. (I never saw it.
• The wife of the guy who was in the bubble and had the fever on the weekend.
• That girl who was a nun in that one movie and a princess in that other movie.
• That girl who is on that show about people who survive a plane crash.

Kelly Kapoor’s So Awesome Top 10 Nordstrom Wish List

1. The cutest hoodie EVER – love the pattern – sooo cute!

2. The cutest panties EVER – Juicy on the panties is totally awesome!

3. The cutest sundress EVER – and kinda looks like one of my mom’s saris, but not so old. Ew!

4. The cutest poncho EVER – sooo expensive, but sooo fabulous!

5. The sexiest dress EVER – Ryan Howard, you wouldn’t know what hit you if you saw me in this!

6. The most perfect handbag EVER – for daytime. Spring daytime. Love the lavender!!

7. The most amazing gladiator sandals EVER – sooo trendy right now! Must get a pair!

8. The hottest stilettos EVER – would be too cute with that sexy dress! OMG…on sale!

9. The yummiest perfume EVER – and the bottle is pink and crystal and so fabulous!

10. You know…just in case! Haha!

Top 10 Screenplay Ideas

Property of Michael Scott

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL!!!

Dwight, this means you!

1. Entourage: The Motion Picture! Vincent Chase and his posse witness a murder (committed by the Terminator) and are taken into protective custody by Agent Michael Scoon, who saves the day and gets the girl.
2. Threat Level Midnight 2: Midnighter! Agent Michael Scarn and Catherine Zeta-Jones must put off their wedding due to bad guy nerd Andy Bern--Bronze Butt.
3. Party Beach! Secret Service Agent Gary Scort ends up guarding the President’s daughter (Kelly Preston) on a nude beach. Also with Teri Hatcher, Pam, Erin and Holly.
4. Mannequin 3: Self-exclamatory.
5. Roadhouse 2: Dalton teams up with Detective Mike Skarn to go undercover and fight . . . racism? Anti-gays? Robots?
6. A movie based on that “making copies” guy from SNL that changed everybody’s names. (P.S. Hilarious!)
7. Karate Kid 4: Mr. Miyagi trains a young, handsome, successful Regional Manager to beat up a lame salesman from Nashua who tries to steal his girl. The Regional Manager saves the day and gets the girl.
8. The Wire: The Movie: Like the show, but with a happy ending. That show was too sad, I think.
9. Kill Toby: Hero firefighter Ryan Malpert saves the world from stupid HR people determined to suck the fun out of the room. Jerks.
10. More Secrets of a Call Girl: I help a girl stop being a call girl and we become Presidents or something.

List for Holly:

1. Holly, you and I are soulmates.

2. I’m hotter than A.J

3. I started my own paper company

4. I wrote an awesome screenplay

5. I’m better looking than A.J

6. I can protect you. I beat up Dwight.

7. I can beat up A.J

8. I like your boobs

9. I have a very symmetrical face.

10. I miss you everyday.

My Top 10 Preferred Jeopardy Categories
by
Dwight K. Schrute

1. Famous Love Triangles in History

2. Purple Root Vegetables

3. Advance Weaponry Using Everyday Household Items

4. Famous Seconds-in-Command in History

5. Famous Thirds-in-Command in History

6. Alternative Forms of Nourishment During Famine

7. How to Alienate Everyone and Influence No One

8. Successful Bunker Living

9. Urine

10. Off-the-Beaten-Path Workspaces

Jim and Pam's Top Ten Potential Baby Names:

1. Ann
2. Tim
3. Sue
4. Joe
5. Dan
6. Kim
7. Ben
8. Amy
9. Rob
10. Liz

New Band Names By Kevin Malone

1. Hotel Pennsylvania (a ROCKIN’ Eagles tribute band)
2. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Cover Band (would McCartney get mad?)
3. We Built This Electric City (on ROCK and ROLL… yeah we built this city…)
4. Don’t take your Guns to Steamtown (I can walk the line)
5. 69 Degrees (maybe I’ll get to meet Jessica Simpson… niiiiiice)
6. WeToo (can play like U2)
7. Tea in Pennsylvania (give those jerks some competition)
8. I’ll be Watching you…2 (you’re not the only Police tribute band in town)
9. Message in a Bottle on Lake Wallenpaupack
10. Scrantonicity II (AWESOME!)

Baby Shower Gift for Jim and Pam: Follow these ten suggestions so your offspring will not be spoiled or stupid.

by Dwight K. Schrute

1. Breastfeed until age 4 minimum. My mother’s badges of honor are her breasts which now hang regally to her waist.

2. No commercial baby food. Would Alexander the Great spoonfeed his son Gerber? Please. Finely chopped beef liver and pre-chewed venison are excellent choices.

3. Foster independence. A wilderness solo outing by age 5 is appropriate.

4. Read to your infant daily. It’s never too early to introduce the great works of Heinlein and Tolkien.

5. Avoiding crowds in the first months is unnecessary. It’s a world full of disease. The earlier the child understands this, the better.

6. Burping a baby – also unnecessary. It’s not rocket science, for heaven’s sake. Let the little bugger figure out some things on his own.

7. Excessive crying is not to be tolerated. You see all the whiney, slacker teenagers these days? Their parents obviously never heard of earplugs.

8. Fresh air is essential. Place the child at the window of a speeding car as often as possible.

9. Circumcision is a personal decision. But no need for a doctor. From the time I was born it was clear that I must take care of my own penis.

10. Lastly, never swaddle. What will the infant do when confronted by an enemy?

Toby Flenderson's
Things To Do Before I Am 30
(as completed for Mrs. Pretty's First Grade class)

1. Get a good job.

2. Get married.

3. Have 3 kids.

4. Buy a house.

5. Visit China.

Please See Updated List

10. The new Yankee Stadium (on opening day). A disappointment in more ways than one, but YMMV.
9. World's Largest Shoe in Hallam
8. The Wonder Wheel at Coney Island
7. The Statue of Liberty's crown. Technically it's not going to reopen to the public until July 4, but like that guy said, "[T]he brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough."
6. Royal Victorian Manor in Woodstock, Illinois
5. Lackawanna Coal Mine. Go during the week and slip the tour guide $20 to get the mine all to yourselves.
4. Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas. Everyone said we had to go here when we told them our honeymoon was in Vegas. Quite the experience, although the Star Trek stuff was boring.
3. ZERO-G flight, also in Vegas. The weightlessness only lasts 25 seconds at a time, so plan accordingly.
2. Blackwell Island Lighthouse. This lighthouse is decommissioned, which was convenient since otherwise it would've been blindingly bright, unbearably hot, and it would've created a silhouette of us across the night sky.
1. Some house here in town. We have a realtor friend who sometimes lets us stay in unoccupied houses. We just threw caution to the wind here all weekend long. At one point, I almost went through the living room wall. We bought a clown painting to conceal the damage. Before putting it up, I carved "Easy Rider was here" on the wall underneath. Overall, an amazing and unforgettable experience.

www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts

June 8, 2009 weekly agenda

1. Meet the new sales girl Michael brought from his old pancake company.

2. Ask the IT guy to stop all 2,003 word updates my website keeps trying to add to the dictionary.

3. Check on the aging cheese in my briefcase.

4. Post the picture I took of the sexy, one-armed woman I spotted at Joann Fabrics the other day.

5. Tell Marybeth how mad I was when driving behind her on the highway today. She had those damn orange blinkers on the whole time and had a flat tire but kept driving so slowly!

6. Find out the name of Debbie Brown's replacement, as a precaution. I took a two week vacation recently and didn’t tell anyone I was leaving.

7. Tell Bob I want a refund for the mini-fridge since my house only has 2-prong electrical AC outlets.

8. Ask Andrea to refill her desk drawer supply of AA batteries and wet wipes for the restroom.

9. Get the ingredients for "Creed's Ultimate sandwich" to eat at home tonight: blackened toast topped with soy mayonaise, uncooked ham, green peas, sardines, briefcase cheese, fatty beef steak with tendons, blackened bread and slathered in my famous sauce--leftover tuna juice aged for 2 years. Freeze, then eat!

10. Replace the men's restroom sign with the non-racial one I took from soup kitchen; they really have great soup!

Dear Diary,

I haven’t given up on turning my dream business “Shoe La La” into a reality, but in the mean time here are some other company ideas I’ve been thinking about:

1. House of Cards - Magic Shop/Greeting Card Store - slogan: "The competition will never knock us down."

2. Meat 'N Greet - Steakhouse and Singles Club for men who are tired of the usual dating game.

3. Two Turntables and a Mobile Home - Traveling DJ available to be hired for office picnics, wedding receptions, and other outdoor events.

4. Bad Doggie - Combination pet obedience school and dry cleaner.

5. Lord Rupert Everton's Specialty Tie Shoppe - Need I say more?

6. Gum Drop Farms - Families can come pick their own fresh candy and learn about the process of how it's grown.

7. The Photo Shop - Bring in your personal photographs and we will customize them to make it look like you are posing with celebrities or having a vacation that wasn‘t lame.

8. Jamaican Me Hungry - Catering business specializing in Caribbean food. It's all-inclusive!

9. Je Ne Sais Spa - An extra classy health club and resort that has a certain quality I just can't describe.

10. Uncle Mikey's Happy Fun 24-Hour Daycare - The perfect childcare solution for today‘s busy parents - slogan: “All we think about is watching your kids.”

Mose, here goes the list of chores for you to do while I am out at the BSG convention.

1. Clean cow crap from the kitchen floor.
2. Dig trench to accommodate events held at Schrute Farms (some losers can’t handle the one bathroom). Make sure it’s downhill from the well and put out some stumps.
3. Learn how to play Uptown Girl on your jug. Michael’s been feeling a little down lately and this will brighten him up.
4. Make another gallon of my favorite goat milk beet ice cream. I don’t want to see any of that frozen yogurt crap you like.
5. Tuesday is Grandmutter’s birthday. Take a bouquet of beets to her grave out back.
6. Make a couple of corn husk dolls for Cousin Helga’s new baby. It’s a girl so make sure the dolls have no face.
7. DO NOT continue to play with Birgit. She is getting close to her 250kg slaughter weight and I don’t want you getting too attached to her.
8. Whittle Jim and Pam an infertility doll. I don’t need another generation of slacker pranksters messing around with me.
9. Wash the yellow stains off your sheets or I will make you sleep in the barn again.
10. Don’t forget to go around at dawn and taste the soil at different points of the farm. We need to have perfect PH levels if we plan on having the best beet crop in town.

1. Bears
2. Beets
3. Battlestar Galactica