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SUMMER 09 CONTEST PROMPT 7: “SECRET SECRETS HURT SOMEONE”
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Jul 13th 2009

Hello all, to Week 7 of the most exciting summer contest Northern Attack has seen all year! This week’s prompt is from perennial contestant and champion bobuerto. Ank-thay ou-yay, ob-bay!

Prompt

As we know, Dwight uncovered an embarrassing secret about Kelly when he learned that she had spent time in Juvie as a teenager. It's a pretty fair bet that there are others in the office who have a skeleton or two in their closet that they'd prefer stay hidden. Choose any character who has appeared on The Office and write a short scene in which some secret from his/her past is revealed. Try to include the fallout and reactions from others as well. The more public and the more embarrassing, the better!

Thoughts and Parameters

250 Word Limit
Creativity A Must

Format
A short scene, as per the description.

Judging Criteria

  1. Overall impact
  2. True to characters
  3. Appropriate to challenge prompt
  4. Creativity

Reminders

  • Deadline for submitting entry #7 is 10 pm EST on Sunday, July 19.
  • Voting for challenge #6 begins Monday, July 13.
  • This thread is for challenge topic and entries only; please go to the general contest thread for questions/discussion.
  • No editing allowed on entries once submitted. Double-check your entry in the general contest thread before posting it in this thread.
Jul 13th 2009

(Shortly after the Stamford-Scranton merger)

Creed: Brah, listen to this message that Karen girl left on my phone last night when she was drunk.

Jim takes the handset Creed is holding out to him

Jim listens with a big smile, then abruptly gives the handset back

Jim: Whoa, man, you gotta erase that. That's embarrassing for people other than me.

Michael walks up to Jim and Creed

Michael: What's embarrassing? ...Oh c'mon Jim, Jim, Jimmy Beam! Creed's like that old fart uncle who comes to visit when your parents aren't home, even though my mom said he was a creep and I was supposed to call the police. Creed's like my uncle, and I'm your best friend—you shouldn't be embarrassed.

With a proud grin, Michael pushes a couple of buttons and replays the message on speakerphone

Jim, I just wanted to say that yu...—you guys, shut up!—that you're the best. It'll be fun here again and I...I think I'm in love with you. I love you, Jim Halpert!...and not how Michael is in love with those gross websites with the girls that..."

Michael slams down the handset

Jim is looking down at his feet, shaking his head, with his hands in his pockets

Jim: Creed, that wasn't Karen's voice...

Everyone is shooting looks between Michael, Jim, and Pam

Michael, clenching his jaw, looks over at Pam as she hides her face in her hands

Michael: Dammit, Pam! I told you to erase my history, not LOOK through it!

Jul 16th 2009

Pam is at home flipping through the channels when she stops on Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

Pam: Oh no! Jim, come quick!

On the TV, Michael walks into a house and sits down, placing a bag on the counter. Chris Hansen walks in.

Chris: Hello.

Michael: Hi!

Chris: Can I ask what you’re doing here?

Michael: I set up a play date with Tommy.

Chris: And how old is Tommy?

Michael: He said he was 13.

Chris: And you don’t see anything wrong with this?

Michael: No, I love kids! Are you his father?

Pam (to Jim): Oh no! They’ve got it all wrong! They got an innocent man!

Chris: In your chat log, you’re “LittleKidLuvr”…you said you would be bringing rubbers.

Michael: Yes…we were going splashing in mud puddles!

Chris: And you mentioned a gun.

Michael: Where’s Tommy? We were going to play laser tag.

Chris: You sent a picture of your penis…and I must say in all my years doing this, that’s got to be the smallest.

Michael (peering at photo): No, that’s my pinky! I was pinky-swearing that we were gonna have fun. Am I in some kind of trouble? Where’s Tommy?

Chris: You go on to say that you have a “Hot rod”.

Michael (moves towards the bag): Oh yeah! I have the really cool ones, and the tracks…(the police jump out and stop him, and start to handcuff him).

Jim and Pam are shellshocked at home.

Jim: Better call James P. Albini.

Jul 16th 2009

Probably Sniffing Some Dude’s Thong

Todd Packer walked into Dunder Mifflin, Scranton for one of his increasingly rare visits. He liked to stop by when he was in the area, mostly to remind people that he still existed and was still hilarious.

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin,” said the new girl. “Um, I don’t know, I’ll check,” she continued.

“Excuse me, sir,” she said to Packer, “Are you Todd Packer?”

“What do you think, sweetie?” he retorted.

“Um, you have a call,” replied Erin.

“Really? Hey, Halpert, give me your phone.”

Jim looked up. “Oh, sure…just let me… get it set up,” Jim said as he slyly raised the volume on his receiver.

“Todd Packer,” Packer said into the phone.

The volume on Jim’s phone was loud enough for those nearby to hear the caller’s voice. “I miss you, Packy,” said a man.

“Why are you calling me here?” Packer asked.

“What time are you coming over?”

“Um, can we not talk about this here?”

“Well, silly, you left your cell phone here this morning. How else was I supposed to reach you?”

“I’ll be done here soon. I miss you too, but please don’t call me at this office again.”

“Spoil sport! OK, I love you! Bye-bye.”

“Yeah, me too. Bye.”

Packer looked around. “Well, I’ll see you nerds another time.”

As he waited for the elevator, he could hear Michael’s voice. “Packer’s GAY?!”

“I’ve got some explaining to do,” Packer muttered as he walked out.

Jul 16th 2009

The entire office staff is crowded around Jim’s desk, muttering to one another and peering uneasily at his computer. But Creed is nowhere to be found. Michael walks up, clearly intrigued by the fuss.

Michael: Whasssssup, peeps?

Jim: Not now, Michael. Not…now.

Dwight: Michael, I will tell you everything. [whispers] Conference room.

Dwight and Michael sit down across one another at the conference room table. Dwight and Michael lean forward until their noses are nearly touching.

Dwight: We need to discuss this discovery. HR might nee—

Michael: No, stupid. I will not get HIM involved. He’s too lame.

Dwight: Okay, if you feel it’s best. We can keep this between you and me. And…everyone else except Tob—HIM. Michael, Creed isn’t who you think he is. He isn’t “he” at all. He was a woman. A very ugly woman.

Michael’s jaw drops and he looks around the room, silent.

Dwight: Michael? Michael, we need to address this. Creed has been living a lie. More than we knew. Can we bring him in front of a tribunal? The Amish have a time-honored process for punishing fakers and she-males. It would only take a few goats, a kommissar, two stocks—

Michael: No, Dwight! We can’t do that. Where is Creed? Did he turn back into a woman? How did you find out?

Dwight: Facebook. He has a photo album entitled “Me as a Woman.” Jim saw it first and told us.

Michael: Creed is an ugly man. As a woman? Blech.

Jul 16th 2009

Little Miss Scranton

Jim Halpert TH: "So the Lackawanna County Fair is in August; and this is the first year that Pam and I have been able to go together as a couple."

Pam Beesley: “Aw, Jim, look! It’s the little Miss Scranton photos. If we have a girl, do you think we could?”

Jim: “Sure, if you want our daughter to grow up hating you. Look at this one, she looks mad, and she is only 2. Hang on.”

Under each photo a name tag lists their names, their parents' names, their corporate sponsor and their former contestant sponsor.

Jim: “Wow. Did you know about this?”

Pam: “No, but this explains a lot.”

A few months prior.

Jan: “So you’re saying I have to have a Corporate Sponsor from someone in the county, and the sponsorship of a past winner?”

Competition Official: “That’s right. Would you like a list of the past winners?”

Jan grabs the list from the lady's hand and starts flipping through it. She spots a name and smiles. “Perfect.”


The door flies open, startling the three inhabitants of the Michael Scott Paper Co.

Jan: “You two out, I need a moment with him.”

Pam hurries past Jan and the stroller to get to the door.

As he is following Pam out the door, Jan grabs Michael by the shoulder.

Jan: "Don’t go far, I need to talk to you next.”

Ryan TH: “Court orders prohibit talking about my mother’s lawsuit against the county allowing my entry."

Jul 16th 2009

“Hope You Guessed My Name.”

Conference Room: Michael, Kendall, Jim and Toby.

Michael: It was a joke! I’m not surprised that Satan didn’t get it. You suck.

Jim: Michael, you told Sasha’s school that he beats her.

Michael: At checkers! . . . I mumbled “at checkers.”

Kendall: It’s incredibly inappropriate, Michael.

Michael: God, why are you so annoying, Toby? Why can’t you just go away?

Toby: Maybe I should sue.

Kendall: Now that’s completely unnecessary. Michael will apologize-

Michael: Yeah, when hell freezes over.

Kendall: Michael will apologize, you will get a raise, a company car, and a paid vacation.

Kendall TH: It’s the Martinez package.

Jim: Michael, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Outside with Pam.

Jim: Toby’s a good guy. I don’t know why you have it in for him, but if you give him a chance, I think you’ll see he’s an ok guy.

Michael: What about when he put his hand on Pam’s leg?

Pam: That—that was weird. But it’s understandable.

Jim: Yeah. One time thing. But if you keep this up, you might get fired. Or sued. Do you want to lose Dunder-Mifflin again?

Pam: He’s really sweet if you get to know him.

Jim looks at the camera.

Michael: Fine. I’ll try.

Michael and Toby shake hands.

Toby TH: It’s funny. Michael’s right. I am actually Satan, and plan on driving him insane. Then Jim. Dwight too, if he keeps bitching about the B&B. Buffets are lame.

Jul 18th 2009

Jim is talking to Michael in his office. Dwight is eavesdropping from his desk, but with the door closed he only hears a few words.

Jim: Corporate... rewriting reports... pissing contest... Charles... time...

Jim returns to his desk.

Dwight: Jim, can I talk to you, privately. (Dwight motions with his head to the stairwell.)

Stairwell

Dwight: If the future of this company depends on, as you so crudely put it, a pissing contest, then I should handle it.

Jim: What... why?

Dwight: (He looks around to make sure they're alone.) Because I'm an Ultimate Urinating Championship hall of famer.

Jim: Sure you are.

Dwight: (Dwight opens his suit coat and peels back the liner to reveal over a dozen medals. He points to the top left.) Distance. (Bottom left) Duration. (Top right) Accuracy. (Bottom right) Artistry.

Jim: Wow...

Dwight (TH): Of course I'm proud of my success in the UUC. But if my underlings here knew, they'd constantly be bothering me for autographs and to do exhibitions at parties.

Later that day.

Dwight returns to his desk holding a big glass of beet cider and notices Pam has several gold yogurt lids hanging around her neck.

Dwight: What are those? (Dwight looks at Jim, then back to Pam.) What league did you win those in? American or international rules? Were the judges certified?

Pam: Not now, Dwight, I'm training. (Pam sips some water.)

Dwight grunts, then chugs his glass, spilling beet cider all over himself.

Jim smirks at the camera.

Jul 19th 2009

Officemates are in the breakroom. They are engaged in an unusually lively conversation that Phyllis initiated with an announcement.

Creed: Dude! We should totally jam sometime!

Kelly: That’s really cool, Jim. (then turns towards Phyllis and raises a thumb and forefinger L to her forehead.)

Kevin: Awesome. (a grin slowly spreads) Polka Guy!

Michael (breaks into song and dance): Eat it! Eat it! Get yourself a nag and beat it!...

Oscar: Michael, that’s not…

(Toby delights in Jim’s discomfort and quips more audibly than usual): Hey Jim, I’ll bet you had to beat the ladies off with a stick!

(Jim tries to continue eating his ham sandwich but responds:) Thanks, guys. (He gives the camera a long look, then shifts his glare to Pam sitting next to him.)

Pam TH: Hey, can I help it if Jim’s brother sent me another video clip with the subject heading “Things You Should Know” and Michael had an immediate need for teal PostIt notes and Phyllis glances at my screen whenever she walks by and I'm not there? (smiles) Besides, talent should be shared.

Jim TH: Yes. My uncle played accordion and taught me. No, the band has no immediate plans to get back together, or to go on tour. Anything else? You know, we actually weren’t half bad. This one tune we came up with needed lyrics, but it was pretty catchy.

(Roll clip)

Jul 19th 2009

Mystery Solved

(Several people gathered around Andy’s computer)

Andy: I found this on YouTube last night. Tell me I’m not going crazy.

(Video clip begins.)

Robert Stack: Welcome to “Unsolved Mysteries”. Tonight we explore the mystery of the Tiny Black Widow, a petite but deadly temptress who may be responsible for as many as four suspicious deaths.

Columbus, Ohio – August 15, 1995. Two men – John Mark Collins and John David Phillips – are found dead, each from a single gunshot. Both were romantically linked to a woman they knew as Noelle Martin, who skipped town before police could question her. Further investigation revealed that Miss Martin… was not who she appeared to be.

This is Noelle Milton. (Mugshot photo is the spitting image of Angela, only 15 years younger and with jet black hair.) Alias: Noelle Martin. Alias: Angela Milton. She is currently wanted for questioning in the deaths of four men, all former suitors, earning her the nickname: Tiny Black Widow. We tracked down her sister Andrea for a revealing interview.

Andrea: Noelle and I used to be best friends. Then she stole my husband, and within one month he was dead. God told me to forgive her, but I don’t think I can. We haven’t talked in 18 years.

Stack: Noelle Milton continues to elude police and was last thought to be living in Pennsylvania...

(Andy looks up at a sea of shocked faces.)

Andy: It’s impossible… right?

Angela (TH): That doesn’t sound like me. (sly grin)

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