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2010 Challenge 3 - Mom of a Son of a Preacher Man: The Lost Years of Jan Levinson and Assturd
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Jul 19th 2010

This prompt is from griefbone.

Mom of a Son of a Preacher Man: The Lost Years of Jan Levinson and Assturd

Everyone’s favorite character on the show is obviously Toby Flenderson. Second most favorite is Jan Levinson, formerly Gould, never Scott. The prompt is simple: what on earth has Jan been up to since she was last on the show? Is she working somewhere? Exotic Dancer? Ruining dvd commentaries for movies now? Sitting at the pancake place staring listlessly at the sperm donor office?

In 300 words or less, let us see Jan’s beautiful personality playing out since she drove from Dunder Mifflin, wrecked stroller safely stowed away. You can do this in a scripted scene, or regular prose, or any other (written) way. (Tit les are not included in the word limit).

Thanks, gb!

Jul 23rd 2010

The documentary crew catches up with Jan at home, summer 2010:

Jan talking head: Once I had enough of maternity leave, it was time to find a job. I tried out a few things…personal assistant, personal shopper…but good daycare is hard to find, so I decided to be part of the solution instead of the problem. I’m opening a daycare in my home! Fully licensed, of course, once I finish the required thirty hours of training….Astrid! Stay out of the toilet! Unless you have to go potty…do you have to go potty? I’m sorry, but you’ll have to excuse me for a second.**

(overheard) What are you doing in here? What did Mommy say about dropping things in the toilet? (sounds of Astrid shrieking happily) Astrid, time out! (Astrid begins to shriek unhappily.)

Jan carries Astrid past cameraman to her room. She firmly sets Astrid down, and shuts the door forcefully. Sounds of Astrid screaming can be heard.

Jan (back to camera guy, trying her best to stay composed, speaking louder now): Sorry about that. I’m working on discipline. So, we were talking about daycare. I’m really excited for it! I’m looking for kids to watch, so tell your friends! I’m keeping the “Serenity by Jan” name for this venture too. It’ll be great. I’ll get to be with Astrid all day. Excuse me, I have to go now.

Off camera

Jan: Astrid…Mommy’s sorry, ok?

Jul 25th 2010

Scottsdale, Circle of Hell, Arizona

The apartment was destroyed. Cigarette butts littered the floor, surrounded by lipstick-smeared vodka bottles. Black and white headshots screaming “JAN!” across the bottom laid in a pile. Lingerie shots peeked out from beneath. Neither went anywhere, except a gig singing at a local Holiday Inn. For tips. Used to be free drinks, too, but that stopped.

The baby kept crying.

Baby. She wasn’t really a baby anymore. She wasn’t really even Jan’s kid anymore. Jan came to Scottsdale as the last safe place. After the lawsuits. After Hunter kicked her out. Well, Hunter’s parents. Jesus, she even tried sleeping with David Wallace for a while. That did not work out. Nothing’s worked out since she left that day.

She couldn’t believe it, but she missed Michael’s condo. She missed the candles she bought at Hallmark. She missed removing their labels and adding her own. She missed the men she would pick up outside the MBA program.

She missed her old life. Her sister could have the kid. Somewhere around here were papers her sister had filed to get the kid. That was fine.

Papers. Always papers.

She tried using Kevin’s credit card number again to pay her bills. (That was a tough, tough night. It was worth it. She’d got a couple of other credit cards using the information she got that night.) It was declined.

Clicking the button to take her back to the home page: Sabre-Dunder Mifflin. They did have a Woman Executive Program. Probably because of the slut running the company. Jan opened up the application.

She wanted to go back to Scranton. At least Michael would be too scared to throw her out. He’d take her back. She would make him. And then they all would pay.

Jul 25th 2010

Who's Your Daddy?

(telephone rings)

Jan: Hello?

Man on phone: Hello, Ms. Levinson?

Jan: Yes, who’s this?

Man: My name is Herb Simmons and I represent the High Hopes Fertility Center. As you may have heard, High Hopes has been undergoing some legal troubles recently. Specifically, the center is under investigation for fraud and criminal negligence. As part of the legal process, we have been required to disclose to all of our clients that there may have been inaccuracies in the information you were given about the services you received.

Jan: Inaccuracies? What does that mean?

Man: Just that when you selected the sperm donor for your pregnancy, there is a remote possibility that the description you read may not have been fully accurate.

Jan: This is shocking! I spent weeks evaluating possible donors, and the one I chose had everything I was looking for. Ruggedly handsome, successful entrepreneur, proud family lineage, exemplary health history, strong leadership qualities, and highly ambitious. He even worked for some sort of natural candle production company, which was a nice fit because I’m in the candle business myself. I wanted my Astrid to have the highest quality genes possible.

Man: As well you should. High Hopes remains dedicated to providing superior genetic material for the most discriminating mothers-to-be. Unfortunately, it seems that a few of our employees may have cut corners on the screening process and “punched up” the profiles of certain donors.

Jan: Well, this is unacceptable! I demand to know exactly who the father of my child is!

Man: The full names of our donors are kept strictly confidential, but I can tell you that your donor was identified as Dwight S. from Pennsylvania, and his business is listed as “Beeswax. Not Yours, Inc.”

(loud thump as Jan faints)

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